So I was watching The Biggest Loser last night, and came up with a weird scientific hypothesis that should be tested - Is it impossible to discount the impact that the weight loss of a large number of large people has on the Earth’s gravitational pull?  If you watch the end credits, you’ll see that they have some Inuit whale hunters who serve as producers on the show.  These guys – Big Lovehandle Light Feather, Fat Rabbit Roundtree, and Big Ass Phil – wipe down all the equipment, pick up any actual fat that falls off the contestants, and wrings all the liquid blubber out of the towels.  They want the blubber because it is much easier, and less dangerous, to follow a fat person around than the alternative - Do you know how hard it is to canoe out into the ocean, and try to kill a whale with sharpened pine tree limbs and fishing line made from the hair of your tribe’s answer to Crystal Gale?  This blubber can then be turned into oil, which can be used for heat and light.  You can also make some form of leather out of it – lard leather I guess?  And believe it or not, it can even be turned into cosmetics.  I believe the Inuits primarily use it in their unisex fragrance “Are You Inuit?”, which is sold at all fine Wal-Greens, Dollar Generals, and Lowe’s near you.  So don’t let anyone ever tell you that reality shows really don’t matter.

Why is it called “taking” a pee or dump?  As far as I’ve seen in my 33 and 1/2 years, there’s definitely a lot of giving in those situations, and not too much taking.  It’s like donating biological waste to the Salvation Army, except you don’t get a tax credit.  If you did, you’d be drinking water, prune juice, and eating Mexican food like you were an over 70′s version of Lance Armstrong in the Tour de Ass.  Don’t get me wrong, you can definitely take something away from either occurrence.  For instance, if you’re peeing repeatedly, you could be: drunk, pregnant, drunk and pregnant, nervous, or scared.  If you’ve got some type of discoloration or non-corn like substance when you drop the Huxtables off at the pool, you may need to see someone with a medical license and their equivalent of a roto-rooter to check you out - or “in”, as the case actually is.  Thankfully, if you have this kind of thing done, the big van doesn’t pull up outside your room and let everybody who has seen you in the hospital that morning know that you’re having your pipes cleaned.  Who wants to take snake the rooter in the side door for all to see?  How embarrassing is that?  People can drive by your home, and either assume something like a paper towel got flushed down the toilet, or that you have some severely stinky, USEC-style poop.  Instead of proctologists or gastroenterologists, these type of doctors should just be called master plumbers.  I guess medical plumbers would sound more high falutin’, but tubin’ people would still be the same.