(This is how Russian kids celebrate the end of their high school career – it looks like this youngster’s graduation present consisted of alcohol and anabolic steroids)

It’s time for me to pull back the iron curtain, and unveil the newest batch of crazy stories from the Kremlin:

“Pancaked“

The winner of a pancake-eating contest dropped dead after gorging himself on 43 of the cream and banana stuffed desserts.

Boris Isayev, 48, from west Russia, collapsed to his knees and died on stage after stuffing himself with pancakes in a competition to mark the end of the region’s “Pancake Week”.  “He had really enjoyed the pancakes but then he started foaming at the mouth and went down like a sack of stones,” one witness said (The same thing happens to me every time I eat breakfast at Denny’s)…“We have seen people fainting [during such contests] before,” she added.

Onlookers tried to revive the man, but he died on the stage.  Witnesses apparently described Isayev as “the most active participant in the contest,” adding that he “ate all the types of pancakes on offer and won fairly.”  I know they are trying to honor Mr. Isayev, but calling him “the most active participant” at an eating contest is kind of like saying Prince Markie Dee was the most active member of The Fat Boys.

The exact cause of death is not clear, but doctors believe he choked after a piece of pancake got lodged in his throat.  I would’ve guessed that he choked on account of the syrup, but I guess that’s why I’m not a Russian doctor. (VIA)

“Walking in a Winter Urineland” (This article is a little old – March 2010 – but apparently it’s not an isolated incident in this part of the world)

The Amur region in Russia’s Far East was hit by yellow snow, Elena Pechkina, a regional meteorologist, told RIA Novosti.

High winds in Mongolia mixed the clouds from a front with dust and sand, crossed northern China, and then dumped the unique-colored snow in Russia.  “This type of precipitation is not harmful to the residents of the area and no additional analysis will be done,” Pechkina said.

She said this type of snow was not rare, however it usually falls in the region at the end of March or early April. (VIA)

It seemed like Ms. Pechkina was being a little too nonchalant about what most normal people would view as an unusual meteorological event, but she was apparently right.  I just typed “russia yellow snow” into a search engine, and was greeted with over 4 million related stories – and the first four articles given were all from different years, dating back to 2006.  While the color of the snow hasn’t changed, opinions regarding the cause and worrying about its adverse effects have:

“Yellow Snow Fell on Russia’s Far East” (2/28/06) – On Wednesday, February 22, heavy yellow snow suddenly fell on Sakhalin, Russia.  Russian media reported that the yellow snow was caused by environmental pollution coming from China.  Samples of the yellow snow have been sent for analysis to a nearby city laboratory.  An official from Russia’s Emergency Situation Ministry stated that the yellow snow emitted an offensive chemical odor.

“Yellow Snow Triggers Environmental Alert in Siberia” (1/2/07) – A public warning was issued in West Siberia’s Omsk Region on Thursday after polluted snow came down, yellowed and oil-stained.  “The snow fell over an area of about 1,500 square meters at around 1:15 p.m. Moscow time yesterday, January 31,” Emergency Situations Ministry spokesman Viktor Beltsov said.  People living within the contaminated zone have been warned against melting the snow down to obtain water, and advised to avoid stepping on it wherever possible, he said.

“Yellow Snow!!” (3/29/08) – Researchers have concluded that the yellow snow which fell over Arkhangelsk Oblast, Komi Republic and the Nenets AO this week stems from dust and sand from southern parts of the country, reports the Barents Observer.  According to regional meteorological officials, the yellow-orange coloured snow which fell over parts of northwest Russia March 25 to 26, contained dust and sand which was transported with strong winds from the southern regions of Kalmykia and Volgograd.  Or it could be the result of consuming massive quantities of vodka, and having no indoor plumbing.

“Democracy or No Democracy“  – The hottest new government-run game show in Russia

A new video has revealed that most Russian MPs cannot even be bothered to go through the motions of democracy, but prefer to bunk off and let the few MPs who do turn up vote in their stead.  The footage, shot last week in Russia’s Duma, the 450-member lower house of parliament, showed three MPs frantically running from empty seat to seat in order to vote for fellow deputies who were playing truant after lunch.

The vote, which made it illegal for motorists to have any alcohol in their blood, was passed by a crushing 449 votes even though there were only 88 MPs, or just over one fifth of the chamber, present.  Western critics say the parliament is little more than a puppet chamber that does the Kremlin’s bidding.  But Kremlin-backed politicians insist it is a serious institution and on Wednesday rushed to condemn the incident as “shameful” while conceding, rather oddly, that such practices were a regular occurrence.

“You cannot call a situation where MPs run all round the chamber pushing buttons for absent colleagues anything other than a disgrace,” said Sergei Mironov, leader of the Kremlin-friendly Just Russia party. (VIA)

I could think of a few other things you could call it, namely cartoonish and hilarious.  After watching the video in question, the whole scene reminded me of one of the games that you used to be see on The Price is Right, or voting if it was a game of whack-a-mole:

It has been almost three months since the last edition of “From Russia With Pain” was posted, and the following three stories are really the only ones that I have found to be worthy of the title during that span of time.  I can’t believe nothing out of the ordinary has been happening behind the iron curtain for that long, so the only logical explanation is that Spring is the sane season for Russian residents.

“An Eternal Itch“

An armed 23 year old policeman in Moscow fell victim of his own carelessness. He decided to scratch an itchy spot on his nose with a gun and accidentally killed himself, the Moskovsky Komsomolets reports.

The tragedy happened in the court security facility. At 6pm the officer’s supervisor tried to connect with him over the phone to check on him. The sergeant did not answer his phone and the supervisor had to go see him with other officers.

The police found a locked door they had to break and the body of their colleague behind the door. The policeman’s body with a wound in the head was found under the desk.

The investigation ruled out a murder, and there was no note that would indicate suicide. The victim had been serving in police since 2007. He was single and was not registered with the staff psychologist. He was reported to be in good spirits on the day of the accident.

The sergeant allegedly scratched his nose with his gun and accidentally pulled the trigger. VIA

This next one is probably what the people of Russia would call a heart-warming story…and it’s still pretty damn depressing.

“A 65-Year Wait for an Apartment and TV“

Mikhail Mogilnichenko, 85, does not like to wear his war decorations because he says it would look like he were showing off, even though he has every right to do so as a combat veteran.

A more practical — though belated — reward was finally bestowed on Mogilnichenko a few weeks ago. The veteran is now preparing to move into a new apartment provided by City Hall.  The apartment came as a surprise.  Mogilnichenko said he had not expected the government to fulfill its promise. “Many years have passed, and I have received a present I never thought of receiving,” Mogilnichenko said in an interview. “It’s very good for me. The apartment is nice and convenient, so I’m very glad and satisfied.”

Mogilnichenko was put on the waiting list in 2000, when he moved in with his son’s family in Moscow from his home village, Vorontsovka, in the Voronezh region. The veteran said he would pay his first visit to the new apartment on Victory Day — May 9 — and move there together with his grandson by the end of the month. City Hall also has awarded Mogilnichenko with a 65th anniversary medal and gave him a new television set.

City Hall said it had provided apartments for 1,019 veterans and families of those deceased. This does not mean, however, that the government has provided new housing for all veterans of World War II. A veteran is eligible for a new apartment only if the living space per person in his or her current housing is 10 square meters or less (about 107 square feet). VIA

Verkhovna Rada is the unicameral parliament of the Ukraine, which is composed of 450 deputies and presided over by one chairman (or speaker).  Well back in late April, the group convened to discuss possible ratificatons to a contract involving something called the Black Sea Fleet.  I have no idea what that discussion entailed, but after looking at some pictures from their meeting, it’s apparent that things didn’t go too well:

More photos from the Verkhovna Rada Royal Rumble can be found here.

Mr. Smith has the morning off while he makes like Judge Dredd, so I am going to take this unwanted opportunity to fill you in on the latest bizarre news stories from our братья and сестры in northern Eurasia:

A Fake Tooth For an Eye

A fight between two medics in Moscow ended with a tragedy.  The dramatic scuffle took place on February 10 when two doctors at the Moscow State University of Medicine and Dentistry had a fight over the money they had received for an implant.  The surgeon, identified as Hairullah Nigmatov, grabbed a scalpel and attacked his colleague, but the latter was armed with a gun and shot his attacker in the eye.  Nigmatov was hospitalized soon after the incident. The man will have to use an artificial eye.  The shooter, Dmitry Zakharov, aged 31, was taken to a police station, where he told investigators that he was only trying to defend himself. VIA

The Sweet Sound of Smuggling 

Smugglers can be very inventive when they need to ship exotic goods across the border. However, it may often happen that artful tricks do not bring any result to illicit entrepreneurs. That was the case with a Russian woman, who tried to bring 50 parrots from China to Russia. The woman was arrested at an international checkpoint on the border between Russia and China, customs officers said. However, it was not the officers, but the parrots, who did most of the work. To take the birds across the border, the woman put on a special apron underneath her dress and hid the birds in large special pockets on the apron.  The birds obviously disliked such an environment. They woke up in stuffy pockets and began to loudly express their dissatisfaction, and customs officers soon noticed strange sounds coming from underneath the woman’s clothing. The smuggled birds were evaluated at 10,000 rubles ($300), and the unlucky smuggler will have to spend 14 weeks in jail and pay the fine of $3,500. VIA

The shocking picture shows the blade sticking out just above Julia Popova’s shoulders and blood pouring from the wound. Incredibly the 22-year-old, who was knifed by a mugger on her way home from work, failed to notice the appalling injury and managed to calmly stroll to safety.

The office worker had grappled with her attacker when he snatched her handbag as she walked to her parents’ house in the Russian capital Moscow. But she was so shocked by the ordeal she didn’t know that the thug had buried a kitchen knife in her neck just fractions of an inch from her spinal cord. When she got home her horrified parents rushed her to hospital where surgeons managed to remove the blade without damaging Julia’s spine. One medic said: “Shock had kicked in and her body prevented her from feeling any pain. She simply walked home without feeling the knife in her back.” VIA

I still feel like hell, but I don’t want Mr. Smith to have to worry about carrying my sorry ass any more than he already does either.  So I decided to spend some time away from the friendly confines of my bed, and browsed the Internet in search of some stories from everyone’s favorite vodka-swilling, federal semi-presidential democratic republic.  This way I am able to contribute something to the blog without having to do a whole lot, which is nice… 

I’m Leavin in a Jet Wing…

A 15-year-old boy from the Urals suffered acute frostbite after hiding inside the wing of a Boeing-737 plane on a two-hour flight from Perm to Moscow, Russian radio station Mayak reported on Monday. After braving the entire 808 mile flight to Vnukovo Airport, the boy, named Andrei, collapsed onto the tarmac. His arms and legs were so severely frozen that rescuers were at first unable to remove his coat and shoes, the radio station said…The airport did not confirm the report, however, Moscow’s air and water transport control department said the radio’s claim was true.

Doctors said it was nothing short of a miracle that Andrei survived the flight, with temperatures hitting minus -58 Fahrenheit, the radio station said. The Boeing-737 also has a cruising speed of 560 mph…The boy reportedly made the journey after a commonplace domestic dispute. It remains unclear how Andrei was able to climb on a plane wing un-noticed, and the Perm Airport security service is being asked some serious questions, the radio station said. Via

Nose-fera-two

A young man bit off his friend’s nose as the two were playing the game of vampires during the ten-day New Year holidays in Russia, Life News reports. The incident took place in the Moscow region while the two men, aged 27 and 23, were having a drink together and decided to play vampires to entertain themselves…One of the men, named as Aleksey K, was hospitalized to a local trauma station after the other man, his friend Oleg Z, bit off the tip of his nose…Surgeons performed a complicated operation and were able to reattach the severed part of the man’s nose.

“There was a lot of blood. The patient kept saying that he was Count Dracula. When he came to his senses, he could not understand what had happened to him. Now he will have a conspicuous spot on his face – his defected nose – for the rest of his life,” a surgeon said. Via

The Un-Trained Killer

A male resident of the city of Krasnoyarsk in Russia’s Siberia tried to commit suicide twice during one day. At first, the man jumped out of the window of his apartment on the eighth story, but miraculously stayed alive and only suffered a broken leg.  After he realized that his suicide attempt failed, the man decided to go to a first-aid station and ask for help. The man had to cross railway tracks to get to the station, and when he saw a commuter train approaching him, the unlucky self-killer decided to cancel his visit to the doctor. The man instead threw himself on the railway tracks to commit suicide again.  And the man stayed alive again, but broke his second leg in the process. No criminal case was filed in connection with the two bizarre incidents, Siberian News Agency said. Via 

Bonus Link: Strange sci-fi like creatures are found in an abandoned foundation pit in the Russian city of Chelyabinsk. 

As far as I can tell, there hasn’t been much in the way of crazy Russian news stories recently.  Since my go-to site (MosNews) hasn’t updated their content in a couple of months, I have been searching the news wires on Google and Yahoo! daily for anything remotely amusing and/or outrageous involving our comrades across the pond.  I did manage to come across some photos and information concerning Russia’s first museum, however, and learned that is full of crazy artifacts. Petersburg along the Universitetskaya Embankment.  The Kunstkamera (or Kunstkammer) sits majestically along the Neva Riverfront in St. Petersburg; the idea was commisioned by Tsar Peter the Great, and the building itself was completed in 1727.  This museum is most known for the Peter the Great Museum of Anthropology and Ethnography, which currently has a collection of almost two million historical items on display.  Many of these items are dedicated to preserving “natural and human curiosities and rarities” – such as Peter’s large assortment of human fetuses with various anatomical deficiencies, and gruesome contraptions that were once used for torture.  After looking through pictures of the more famous exhibits, I can confidently say that Kunstkamera makes Robert Ripley’s place look like the Museum of Wallpaper:

Want to see more?  Check out this post from English Russia.