It’s been a busy past few weeks for me, so I have fallen behind on writing about some of the current events that have been making headlines.  One major oversight was the massive earthquake in Japan, subsequent tsunami, and possible nuclear fallout that has devastated the country.  Then to make matters worse, Hater Hall of Shame alumni Glenn Beck had to open his big fat yapper and let all of his loyal nutbags hear his take on why this “natural disaster” occurred.  I’ll give you one guess as to why a born-again Mormon who’s made his name on Fox News through fear-based political analysis, which is littered with theology and insanity, believes was the cause.  That’s right, God did it.  Of course, he didn’t come right out and say the big man upstairs used Japan as his own personal Shake Weight.  He just danced around it like a hippie at a drum circle, and dropped not-so-subtle hints (his viewership isn’t very bright) about an impending end of times.

On his radio show last week, Beck went through his usual “America is going down the shitter” spiel by referencing the horrible catastrophe in Japan.  Then he began to connect the apocalyptic dots in his pea-sized mind and uttered this gem:  “I’m not saying God is, you know, causing earthquakes,” but then went on to say that he is “not not saying that, either.”  What a gloriously ambiguous mindfuck that is, right?  You either say/imply something, or you don’t.  Grow some balls Beck, for crissakes.  I could say, “I’m not saying that Glenn Beck couldn’t pass a 4th grade Science class (which is around the time I learned about this “theory” that’s been around since the 50′s called plate tectonics), but I’m not not saying that, either.”  That’s called covering your ass through semantics, and it’s a tactic that Beck and other “Revelationists” have been using for years.  Yet, this was only a small part of Glenn’s cryptic prophecy, and he continued to speak in a code that would confuse Da Vinci himself:

“I’m not saying that Jesus is coming, I’m just saying things are changing. The world, I mean literally, the world is moving under your feet. I mean, could there be a bigger sign than — oh, by the way, I mean, in casual conversation somebody said, ‘did you hear the earth moved off its axis?’ No.”

I agree with Beck that the world is changing, but it has always been this way, and now those changes are being compounded by the 7 billion or so people who continue to shit on Mother Nature with each passing day.  When you build civilizations and nuclear reactors on or around volatile fault lines that shift and will inevitably cause earthquakes, catastrophic events such as this will always be a part of our lives.  Glenn Beck prefers to deflect all of the blame away from mankind, however, and place it squarely in the hands of The Big Quake Maker in the Sky:

God — what God does is God’s business, I have no idea. But I’ll tell you this: whether you call it Gaia or whether you call it Jesus – there’s a message being sent. And that is, ‘Hey, you know that stuff we’re doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.’ I’m just sayin’. And – yesterday I got home and I was thinking about all the messages that I could bring in, all the things that I could tell ya, and oh I’ve got stuff on Hezbollah. Oh, I have stuff on radical Islam in America that’ll make your eyes fall out. Or I could just tell you the answer, and the answer is: Buckle up. Buckle up, ’cause it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Do you see the contradiction in this statement?  If “What God does is God’s business,” then we shouldn’t concern ourselves with what happens in the world.  If it all goes back to this idea of “God’s plan,” then that means our course has already been set, and our actions are of no consequence.  Goddamn, now my head hurts.  And for those of you out there who are scared that earthquakes, war and famine means that the end of the world is nigh, just remember the sage advice of Glenn Beck, and “stop doing some of that stuff that you’re doing.”  It’s true that life is and always be a “bumpy ride,” but in my opinion, it’s simply a man-made attraction that is bound to break down sooner or later.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  A riveting drama about a particularly perfect cut piece of Spam with a beard, who turns to a gang to fulfill the void left by an absentee father.

Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin went on tour this past weekend to get Republicanism off their chests, and served as the main acts in a reenactment of an actually historical event.  Glenn Beck took time away from yelling, crying and reminding everyone he was an alcoholic long enough to promote a “rally” at the Lincoln Memorial.  Glenny B said the point of the whole thing was to “restore America’s honor.”  Civil rights leaders – who have no actual job other than running around and bitching about shit they think ain’t right civilly – had a bunch of separate but equal opinions on this matter.  Basically, they all individually said the same thing collectively.  According to their over-sensitive selves, the rally should have been segregated to a different day than the 47th anniversary of MLK’s greatest hit.  Who put apartheid pee in their Freedom Wheaties?  I don’t know a lot about a lot of things, but I do know very little about some things.  If I remember watching something correctly, MLK was all about letting everyone have their say and their own opinion.  Of course, his main gig was that black people should be treated just like anyone else.  Uh, duh?!?  That’s a novel theory there, MLK.  Equality for all human beings.  You should bottle that up and sell it.

As ignorant and obvious as this ideal is, he was one of the first in this country to say prejudice assholes should just get over it.  It is unfortunate that someone had to do a book report on the steps of Uncle Abe’s statue to really bring that into the forefront of American history.  If you have to be told that all humans are created equal, you should probably not be allowed to play with different colors of Play-Doh.  If you have to be told that all humans ain’t really equal, you’re dumber than a piece of Tupperware filled with mountain pellets.  What I’m trying to type is, all of us ain’t anywhere near the same, but we shouldn’t discriminate on the basis of skin color.  You should hate a motherfucker ’cause he’s an idiot, asshole, jerk, wuss, puss, goober, dunderhead or a Boston Red Sox fan.  Skin color hatred can also be very dangerous if getting a tan is a possibility.  Passing out on a float in a pool after having too many Third Reich Ice Teas could lead to your being kicked out of Klub.  I have to think melatonin is a motherfucker if you’re racist.  Hatred should be used sparingly and intelligently.  There is a whole bunch of shit in life that is worth crinkling your forehead, and blowing out your o-ring.  You don’t want to spend a large portion of your breathing career on being pissed off or chapped over anything; but if you’re going to hate some shit, it shouldn’t be because you failed kindergarten due to an inability to remember the color brown.

Why is it that a brief power outage throws Direct TV into a bigger tail spin than a tornado coming out of the backfield?  From experience, I’d have to say satellite signals are more fragile than Fabergé eggs.  If you rip a big enough fart, you can cause a blurry screen.  And when it finally does decide to come back on, it gives you this progress bar so that you can countdown the % points until your TV comes back on directly.  It’s like you are being held captive by satellite TV’s answer to Dick Clark.  Fucking telling me my TV will come back directly.  All I want is my TV back on.  I don’t need no damn in progress update.  It’s like a SportsCenter in-outage update.

While I don’t consider myself to be affiliated with any certain political party, it’s definitely harder for me to identify with the Republican talking heads that I hear on a daily basis - whether they’re on Capitol Hill, or polluting the TV/radio airwaves.  This is not to say that Democrats, Libertarians, Independents, or U.S. Pacifists are any better, but I would consider any of them the lesser (and usually younger) of two evils.  One of the undeniable truths that I took away from the 8 years under Dubya is that there are few things Republicans love more than some good, old-fashioned fear mongering  – another was that you can get elected to your 2nd term as President of the United States even if you go “full retard“.  This mode of not thinking was bad enough during the Republican run, but their political fearscape switched into high gear when Big Bad Barack Obama moved on up to that deluxe Oval Office in the sky.  I have no problem with people thinking Obama has done nothing of note with the power he’s been given so far, and I would somewhat agree with that assessment; but when I hear things like 1 in 3 NJ conservatives think he may be the anti-christ, and people drawing comparisons to Hitler, it makes me think that there may be greater powers of suggestion at work.  Well, the people at SuperNews have now confirmed that suspicion in one of their most recent videos.  Move over H1N1, because Fearus Ignoramia is sure to be the hottest epidemic since the Salem Witchcraft Trials.             

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself – nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”  Franklin Delano Roosevelt

The Hater Hall of Shame would like to welcome its newest member into the ranks today – and he may be Public A-Hole #1.  This political talking head has described himself as a “libertarian and conservative who is fighting for individual rights.”  There is no doubt in my mind that he believes that, but I prefer the description that Jon Stewart once provided,  ”Finally, a guy who says what people who aren’t thinking are thinking.” 

Glenn Beck,  Born February 10, 1964

Glenn Lee Beck was born in Everett, Washington, but spent most of his young life in Mount Vernon, Washington.  Beck started out on the radio at the age of 13 after winning a local contest at KBRC; around this same time, Beck’s parents filed for divorce and he chose to live with his dad in Sumner, Washington.  Beck attended Sehome High School in Bellingham, Washington, and moved to Salt Lake City, Utah after he graduated in 1982.  It was here that Beck shared an apartment with a former Mormon missionary, and was first introduced to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints – he was brainwashed…I mean, he became a member shortly thereafter.  In 1983, Beck relocated to Washington, D.C. and took a job on the radio with WPGC; while in D.C., Beck met and married his first wife, Claire, and they subsequently had two daughters – Mary and Hannah.  During this time, Beck was struggling with drugs and alcohol, and was also diagnosed with ADHD around this same time – which partly explains some of his TV antics.  He and Claire divorced in 1994 amidst his struggles with addiction, and Beck soon began to attend AA meetings to get clean – which he did in November of 1994. 

In 1996, Beck was admitted to Yale University through a special program for ”non-traditional” students – with the help of a recommendation from Senator Joe Lieberman.  His college days were short lived, however, as Beck only took one theology class – “Early Christology” – and then dropped out.  Beck worked as a Top 40 DJ early in his radio career, and did stints in Utah, Arizona, Maryland, Connecticut, and Kentucky, among others.  He received top-billing on WFLA in Tampa, Florida when The Glenn Beck Program first aired in 2000.  By May 2008, Beck’s show was being broadcast on 280 different stations across the U.S., as well as XM Radio, and he had an estimated 6.5 million listeners – which absolutely scares the bejesus out of me, I only hope that at least 6.4 million of those listeners are paranoid senior citizens.  Beck recieved his first TV gig on CNN’s Headline Prime block in January of 2006, and had a weekly show on the network until he was lured to the Dark Side in October of 2008 - but to be clear, he definitely belongs there.  Beck has also become somewhat of a media mogul over the years; he’s written 5 books - which are no doubt fit for burning - and publishes fear-mongering propaganda using his media company, Mercury Radio Arts, and a publication called Fusion Magazine.  I have always been a big believer in freedom of speech, but the popularity of political putzes like Glenn Beck makes me second guess the whole ideal.  The French philosopher Albert Camus once said, “Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear.”  If that’s true, Beck is one of the most detestable mofos to ever walk the face of the Earth. 

Bonus Clip: MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann takes Beck to the proverbial woodshed