Since I am not employed as a bank teller or government employee, I am stuck having to work on this holiday that honors an explorer who reached charted lands in the late 15th century.  So to honor him, I am going to do what Christoforo Colombo once did, and just act like I discovered these links – but you won’t have to worry about me giving you syphilis, that is, unless you want it.

The only thing I really remember from my grade school history days about Columbus was that he “sailed the ocean blue in 1492″ with three boats that were probably named after some Spanish hookers he once explored.  I know it’s hard to believe, but it turns out a lot of the stuff in those history books wasn’t entirely accurate.  I know, I am just as stunned as you are. [Carnaval]

It turns out Dr. Martin Luther King and Rush Limbaugh have more in common than one would have ever thought.  Dr. King once said that he had a dream that “the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.”  It turns out Limbaugh also has a dream that involves slaves…well, his was probably more like a booze and OxyContin-induced haze than an actual dream. [Raw Story]

I don’t see myself as being the macho type, but If you’ve been to a bar, club, or watched an episode of Jersey Shore lately, you’ve probably noticed that a lot of guys who consider themselves to be “manly” look more effeminate than James Franco in drag.  I call it estrogentrification, which is “an influx of neatly manicured, overly groomed girly men that have displaced the population of sweaty, hard-working males.”  There is no end in sight either, but at least one site has stepped up to the plate in an attempt to “revive the Art of Manliness.”  [Art of Manliness]

If you work as a teacher, there are two benefits that I can think of which you rarely get at other jobs – summers off, and the feeling of gratification you get from helping someone learn.  The major downside that comes to mind?  Dealing with ungrateful, annoying, snot-nosed punks whose only mission is to make your life a living hell as they push you towards a nervous breakdown.  Exhibit A [Mediaite]

Saturday Night Live has been caught in a freefall of unfunny comedy for a while now, and I doubt it will ever recover from the irrevocable damage that has been done (Thanks, Jimmy Fallon).  But the one thing that has remained consistently funny over the years are the show’s commercial parodies, and ads featuring fake products.  The episode from this past weekend had another good one with the introduction of the “Damn it, My Mom is on Facebook” filter.

A few funny, informative and disturbing articles you might be interested in reading – and if you’re not, tough tit.

There are many reasons why people with jobs are fired by their employers, and some are easier to justify than others – in legal terms.  If a worker undergoes a psychiatric evaluation and the test results reveal some Gibson-like behaviors, then their employers may most definitely have a cause for canning the individual.  On the other hand, if Ms. Cleo or Dionne Warwick tells an employer that a pregnant worker’s unborn fetus is carrying negative energy, you’re probably gonna end up with a wrongful termination lawsuit on your hands. [ABC News]

One of the many things that my parents taught me while growing up was the principle that you should always “respect your elders.”  Either they’ve never heard this old adage in West Virginia, or they have a different definition of “respect” in that part of the country. [The Charleston Gazette] Local news coverage of the story here.

I have verbalized my “animalosity” towards the group of nut jobs collectively known as PETA before, and contend that any person who spends all their philanthropic energy protecting animals needs to be spayed or neutered – and possibly put down.  To be clear, I am not saying there is no value to an animal’s life or denying the horrors of animal cruelty.  But when you consider the fact that at least 80% of people in this world live on less than $10 per day, it seems kind of odd to care so much about a perceived problem like chimp abuse in Hollywood.  If I had to guess one way or the other, I would bet the advertising team at Chrysler would agree with this sentiment.  [Raw Story]

The human mating ritual is vastly different from that of animals, and unfortunately for men, there isn’t a certain dance or guttural call that will subsequently guarantee you a companion for some carnal relations – and Roofie Coladas aren’t considered a ritual.  Wouldn’t that be great though?  No, I’m not talking about using Quagmire’s drink of choice to make myself more appealing to the opposite sex.  Can you imagine going to some club, and watching a bunch of guys on the dance floor doing the Macarena and making sounds like Chewbacca, while surrounded by a group of captivated women who are judging each male’s every move?  That sounds pretty damn crazy, and yet it’s still not nearly as weird as Time Magazine’s list of the “Top 10 Weird Insect Mating Rituals.” [Time]

I appreciate a well-written piece of satire, and there is no shortage of topics in our society that can be ridiculed and questioned in a witty, subversive manner.  In my opinion, the easiest target right now is our government – or American politics in general – and writer Mike Larsen takes dead aim at one of our most sacred pieces of parchment in his latest piece titled, “Why Does The Constitution Hate America?” [The Huffington Post]

All the big wigs at BP have been getting a verbal lashing with regards to their handling of the underwater oil deluge that continues to pollute our waters – and deservedly so.  The Deepwater Horizon rig’s well-publicized blowout has also brought a lot of shady details and dealings the company was involved in to light.  My favorite little nugget (before today) was the fact that the oil rig’s port of registry (it’s origin) was a little place called the Marshall Islands.  Why is that interesting, you ask?  Well, apparently if the port of registry was the United States – or most other industrial nations – the rig would have been subjected to a 6-8 week safety inspection before it was cleared for use.  In the Marshall Islands, this same inspection is completed in 4-6 hours.  Today, gruesome details emerged with regards to how BP is protecting marine life while doing their controlled burns.  Fire ‘em up! [The Raw Story]

Actor Jeremy London told Florida police that he was kidnapped on June 10th by three men.  They robbed him, then put a gun to his head and pulled some Denzel Training Day-type shit by forcing him to smoke drugs.  Oddly enough, London is currently undergoing drug testing for a custody battle involving his son, and his family claims that both he and his wife have a drug problem.  I kinda feel sorry for the guy, because I really liked his characters in Dazed and Confused, Grind, and Out Cold – wait, that was his twin brother Jason London?  Well, I guess Mallrats will have to do. [Radar Online]

I’ve never even heard of the ABC Family show The Secret Life of the American Teenager, but apparently it has accumulated quite a following since it started back in July of 2008.  After doing some quick Wiki-based research, the plot revolves around a young girl who gets knocked up, and the pregnancy’s subsequent effect on her relationship with friends and family.  While it is the most-watched show on the network (which isn’t saying a whole lot) and a hit among girls age 12-34, the critics have a different opinion:  “Secret Life doesn’t take the fun out of teenage pregnancy, it takes the fun out of television (NY Times)”, “An obvious, stereotype-laden teen soap opera (Variety),” and “The worst scripted drama on television (The Reporter).”  In other words, it doesn’t sound like my kind of show; but at least it’s teaching kids lessons that are sure to keep them sexually confused for the rest of their natural lives. [The Daily Beast]

Star Wars (pre-1999) is one of the highest grossing film series in history, and I have watched the first three films more times than I can begin to calculate (although I am not this big of a fan).  However, I was unaware that multiple knock-off versions of the film have been made in several different countries over the years.  It’s apparent the story doesn’t translate as well in other parts of the world. [The Swedish Bed]

COPS is not only one of the longest running TV programs in our country, it also continues to be the single biggest showcase for rednecks to strut their law-breakin’ stuff:

If you ever needed proof that the U.S. government has been involved in some shady shit over the years, this shocking article titled “The Chemist’s War” should reaffirm what you already knew to be true  [Slate]

It seems like most kids these days get a bad rap, and sometimes this can result in a bad rap sheet [Huffington Post]

On Monday, Mr. Smith referenced some of the greatest liars throughout human history before giving Tiger Woods’ robotic public apology ”the business”.  Well you can’t have great liars without great lies, and here are some of the best [How Stuff Works]

A French philosopher by the name of Julien Offroy de la Mettrie (who kind of looks like a thin Curly Howard) once said, “The human body is a machine which winds its own springs” - and some of these springs can apparently terminate your ass without warning [Cracked]

On an unrelated and sad note, one of my uncles passed away last night; and to pay a slightly odd tribute to him, I wanted to post a video that features an actor who he always reminded me of growing up – Nick Nolte.  My uncle wasn’t borderline crazy, and he never made the Mugshot Hall of Fame, but his raspy, gravelly voice is something that I’ll never forget:

(Contains Language)

(A picture of the elusive “Mansquatch”)

I was always told that “There is no such thing as a stupid question”.  After looking at some of the inquiring minds that frequent Yahoo! answers, I’d have to respectfully disagree.

Most guys aren’t too hard to shop for during the holiday season; but if you want something special that will bring out his inner Tim “The Toolman” Taylor, here is Askmen.com’s list of this year’s Top 10 Gifts for Men.

A 28 year-old Oklahoma City, OK woman stole an ambulance from the hospital she was taken to after being arrested for a hit-and-run, and possible DUI.  Even though Ms. Jones didn’t find her ex-boyfriend (the reason behind the theft), she still had a pretty good time.

Usually when someone calls 911, the issue at hand is no laughing matter…unless you happen to be one of the people on these tapes – “Nine Funny 911 Calls”.

The end of this year is fast approaching, so there are numerous sites who have compiled some “Best of” type lists for 2009 - such as “The 50 Funniest Headlines of 2009″, “The Year 2009 in Auto-Tune”, and Rotten Tomatoes look at “The Worst Movies of the Last Ten Years”.

A woman’s not-so-tragic love story about overcoming the effects of Persistant Sexual Arousal Syndrome.

Amateur breakdancer shows off his patented new move, the flying feline spin.

Guyism takes a look at 10 female celebrities who should be seen and not heard.

A story involving a five year-old girl’s battle with Cysitinosis, which is a rare illness that sounds like something straight out of a Marvel comic.

Speaking of Marvel, the folks at Comics Alliance recently did an article on The Craziest International Bootleg Superheroes of all-time.  The Filipino version of Batman and Robin is my personal favorite. 

I apologize for this slow day on the blog, but I am currently participating in a Halloween production that a few of my co-workers and I put on every year at work. I will be back later in the day/evening (hopefully) to induct the latest member into the Hater Hall of Fame; but until then, I will leave you with some spooky links to tide you over on this Hallow’s Eve:

CoEd Magazine takes a look at the 15 Most Offensive Halloween Costumes

Have you ever wondered what some of your favorite movies would look like if they were made with Lego’s? Yea, me neither; but if you have, these videos are definitely worth checking out.

There are a lot of Star Wars fans who think the Ewoks ruined a perfectly good prequel, but they definitely add some entertainment value to The Today Show.

There have been a few crossover horror movies made in the past  – Freddy vs. Jason, Alien vs Predator, etc – but none are more frightening than Home Alone Meets Saw.

If you have never watched one of the 200 Friday the 13th films that’s came out, here’s what you’ve been missing.

To commemorate the life of an Italian explorer who inadvertently discovered the Americas (he believed he had found India) and brought slavery, war, and destruction to the inhabitants of the “New World”, let’s take a look at some other stuff that’s not important:

I don’t want to sound like one of those “back in my day” jerk offs, but it seems like the South American Sesame Street is quite a bit different from the U.S. version that I grew up watching (Via Afrojacks)

With the rise of online dating services like eHarmony and Ashley Madison (whose motto is “Life is short. Have an affair”), there is no reason for singles to drive to an agency, and record ridiculously cheesy dating videos filled with exaggerations and half-truths anymore.  Luckily, a few dating agencies from the 80′s & 90′s managed to preserve bios from some of their most eligible bachelors (by using something called VHS) – and chose to ignore something as insignificant as confidentiality.

Links

 The Huffington Post takes a look back at the “10 Creepiest, Unintentionally-Sexual Ads of All Time”.

The accordion is probably one of the most uncool instruments on the planet (with the ukulele not far behind), but this accordion wunderkind may change all that.

The people at Regretful Morning take a look at some of the most insane drinking games from around the world.

A community office kitchen can bring out he worst in some people, and the best in others – 25 Passive Aggressive Office Kitchen Notes.

It seems like almost every day, I come across a great new site on the Internet that I’ve never seen, or heard of before.  Sometimes these discoveries happen by accidental browsing and clicking on external links, while other times I have friends who email or call me about a site they think is worth checking out.  So I’d like to take a little time to channel my inner Don King, and promote some of the funniest, most creative web sites that you may have never heard of – but unlike King, I won’t ruin these sites, diminish their talent, or siphon money until they’re forced to file for bankruptcy:

I Am Friends With Sluts:  This site is devoted to pictures of…well, I imagine you can figure that one out.  As a rule, I try not to judge anyone too harshly without ever having met them before; but I also believe in the old “If it walks like a duck” saying too – or in this case, “If it takes pictures like a slut…”  So it’s kind of hard to feel sorry for any of these amateur, skinemax-bound starlets…especially since they chose to post these pics on social networking sites for any Tom, Dick, and Silky to see (Site Link):

Site Caption: “Hey, look everyone.  I’m Skanky Jesus…”

Hail Mary Jane:  Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t a site dedicated to Spiderman’s special lady friend; instead, it is one of only a few sites dedicated to cannabis and the stoner culture (kidding, of course).  It features links to news stories involving wacky tobacky, and special recurring posts like “Stoned at the Movies” and “The Bong of the Day”.  This site won’t appeal to the close-minded stiffs of the world, but as the great Hunter S. Thompson once said, “I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but it’s always worked for me.”  The following video was posted in an article titled, “8 Awful Anti-Drug PSA’s That Make Me Want to Smoke More” (Site Link):

The Ultimate Hate List:  Even though it would probably be classified as a competing blog in the business world, and I’m a tried and true hater, this is a very funny site that was only started a couple months ago – plus, I make bupkes from this site whether there is one reader a day or a thousand, so why should I give a shit?  The hater known as Miggity is well on his way to compiling an impressive hatelist of his own (27 to date), and it’s hard to argue with any of the subjects he’s taken aim at thus far.  The following is an excerpt from a post that was written about the elusive cougar (Site Link):

Cougars seem to be all the rage these days. This older, sexually experienced, creature is a strong source of allure and intrigue for the younger males of our species. However, I have traveled to the corners of this globe in search of this legendary beast, only to find dried up, bitter skanks who hate younger men almost as much they hate the men their own age. Perhaps the sexually charged, younger man-hankering cougar is simply just a creature of myth, like the Tooth Fairy, mermaid, Sonic Burger, and sexy man-loving lesbian. Perhaps they don’t really exist…     

I saw a commercial recently (for a product I can’t recall), and it was just some girl talking about having one of those days where everything seems to go right – i.e. you find money in an old jacket pocket, you don’t hit any red lights on your way to work, etc.  Now I’m not saying we all haven’t experienced moments like this, but doesn’t it feel like they are usually few and far between?  More often than not, I’ll have days that feel like the exact opposite – you know, those days where you’re treated like a statue in the park of life.  It’s never fun to be in that position, but one of my creeds, or mottos, or credos is “It could always be worse.”  This mode of thinking is true for anyone who has a roof over their head and food on the table each day - it’s not applicable, however, if you happen to live like this.  So excluding the two-thirds of the population that lives in a third world country, here are a few other stories that are straight out of a crappy Daniel Powter ballad.

Dinner With 53 of Your Closest Friends

“It’s a San Diego Chargers (and perhaps NFL) tradition. The team’s rookie first-rounder is obligated to take the rest of the team out to dinner…This year, Larry English was the lucky rookie.”  Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman claims that English got off “easy” compared to what he spent his rookie year in 2006.  So what was English’s damage? 

I realize the guy is a millionaire, but that tab has got to be hard to stomach – no pun intended. Oh, and Merriman claims his rookie tab totaled $32K. Full Story

Ticket Taker

A motorist in the town of Greece, New York was apprehended by police after participating in what will surely be a costly joyride.  Police initially clocked Joshua Bracci at 111 mph on a local road, and attempted to pull him over for excessive speeding.  Joshua was apparently feeling lucky, and decided to lead police on a 13 minute chase that eventually lead to his arrest – and 56 tickets.  I am not talking about Chuck E. Cheese money either, Bracci was issued 56 charges from the Greece PD that included “first-degree reckless endangerment and first-degree aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, both felonies, driving while intoxicated, reckless driving, unlawfully fleeing police, resisting arrest, criminal mischief, leaving the scene of an accident”…and 48 more.  I don’t know much about the case, but I see him claiming The Fast and The Furious or maybe the Need for Speed defense.  Full Story

South Africa’s Internet Speed is for the Birds

“A South African information technology company on Wednesday proved it was faster for them to transmit data with a carrier pigeon than to send it using Telkom, the country’s leading internet service provider…The 11-month-old pigeon, Winston, took one hour and eight minutes to fly the 80 km (50 miles) from Unlimited IT’s offices near Pietermaritzburg to the coastal city of Durban with a data card (that) was strapped to his leg.  Including downloading, the transfer took two hours, six minutes and 57 seconds — the time it took for only four percent of the data to be transferred using a Telkom line.”  Full Story