I’m happy to say that my favorite outlet for Russian current events (MosNews) has apparently paid their web host enough Rubles to get their site back up.  From what I can tell, they haven’t had enough time to add any new stories since their hiatus, but luckily there are plenty of stories from the recent past to fill the void.  Here are a few things that caught my eye as I browsed through their archives.

DIY ends in dismemberment in St. Petersburg

Police are calling the death of a St. Petersburg resident an accident, after he was found at home with his legs cut off, Regions.ru reports…The 40-year-old man apparently dismembered himself with an electric saw while he was remodeling his apartment. The cause of death was attributed to loss of blood, police say. 

This sounds like both a terrible way to die, and an over-the-top way of handling home remodeling – I think this guy may have watched too much Tool Time with Tim “The Toolman” Taylor.

Russian girl in intensive care after restoring virginity 6 times

A Russian woman ended up in intensive care after restoring her virginity for the sixth time…The woman, identified as Natalia K., got married at 24.  Her husband was not the girl’s first sexual partner, Life.ru writes.  When the husband confessed he was upset about her losing her virginity before the wedding and with another man, Natalia decided to make things up for him.  To celebrate their first year together as a married couple, she went to a plastic surgery clinic and had a hymenoplasty operation…The husband was so delighted with the present, that a year later Natalia wanted to give that joy to him again…And the next year, and the year after that.

The sixth time the woman came for revirgination surgery, the doctors warned her it posed dangers for her health.  Nevertheless, Natalia signed a waiver of all claims and had the surgery done.  But the doctors’ fears turned out to be justified. The woman’s weakened immune system failed to fight an unspecified minor infection she caught after the surgery, and landed her in intensive care.

Even if it was somehow possible, I seriously doubt any male would go under the knife to become revirginated – Who in their right mind would want to relive the most awkward minute of their lives?

And just to show that not everything in the East Bloc is gloom and doom, here’s a story about how young Russians celebrate graduating school – complete with illustrations.

Young Russians celebrate last day of school

On June 23 all Moscow school-leavers get dressed up to officially say goodbye to childhood.  At school, in the first and ceremonial part of the celebrations, teachers hand out high-school diplomas and say some nice words about their students.  After that the school-leavers go out to party with their classmates.  Traditionally, on this day Russian girls wear old-fashioned Soviet style school uniforms: short brown dresses with white aprons, white socks and big white bows. Later they change into evening dresses.

Moscow authorities prohibit selling alcohol on graduation day in any of the city’s shops, but school-leavers still manage to get drunk on the wild mix of champagne and vodka.  After that, they walk around the city, bathing in fountains, vomiting in the streets, taking pictures of each other and generally enjoying themselves. 

It’s time to take another look into some of Russia’s wild and crazy news stories from the past couple of weeks, courtesy of MosNews:

Russian “coolant glutton” dies trying to break record

After drinking 300 grams of anti-freezing liquid and chasing it down with coca-cola, Dmitry Butakov from the central Russian town of Lipetsk had only time to give a few interviews to dozens of Russian and foreign journalists specially invited to witness the unique occasion, before feeling sick.

Butakov claimed to possess supernatural abilities, boasting to be able to start his “lunch” with a glass of acetone, take a ball of mercury as a main course and chase it down with a bottle of cooling fluid – all with a close-up TV camera aimed at him…Even medical experts had to admit that his body possessed unusual abilities.  One day, after swallowing some dissolvent and chasing it down with toadstools in front of journalists, he offered to have his blood tested. A lethal dose of poison was indeed found in his bloodstream but did not seem to have penetrated his system and had left his cells unaffected, toxicologists confirmed.

It turned out, however, that no human body, even as phenomenal as his, could digest such a huge amount of toxic material… Eventually, after a number of dangerous experiments, he died.

Latvian firm accepts souls as guarantee for credits

A financial company in Latvia is offering residents loans secured by nothing but their immortal soul.

Riga-based firm, named Kontora, does not require credit history record or proof of employment. It grants loans of 50 to 500 Latvian lats ($100 to $1,000) to any adult after he or she signs a very short agreement.

According to the agreement, the only security required of the borrower is their immortal soul, which they are asked to confirm as their previously unmortgaged property…The loan is subject to one percent per day in interest until full repayment…The period of full repayment is 90 days, and in case the borrower fails to return the money, the creditor gets full possession of his soul.

Honorable Mention:

53 year-old Siberian woman beats 200 kg bear barehanded.

World’s strongest vagina breaks own record lifting 14 kilos.

For the longest time, I didn’t think there was any culture crazier than the Japanese; their sense of humor and idea of entertainment is quite strange – and a little creepy.  But in terms of crazy in the traditional sense, I think the good people in Russia have no equals.  A little over a month ago I profiled two bizarre stories straight outta the East Bloc, courtesy of MosNews.com.  Ever since that time, I have periodically checked this media site for more Russky business – and it has not failed to disappoint.  There have been a number of them which are worthy of being featured here, but I narrowed it down to two.  So without further ado, I present the soap-swilling artist, and a horny hairdresser:

Russian artist bites US air-hostess after getting drunk on liquid soap 

A respected Russian artist was arrested after mixing wine and prescription drugs before allegedly drinking liquid soap and attacking flight attendants on a trans-Atlantic flight, Daily Mail reports…British-based Galina Rusanova is accused of punching and kicking flight attendants and – at one point – ‘snapping like a dog’ while trying to bite a crew member’s leg.

The trouble is thought to have started three hours into the United Airlines flight. Court reports claim she seemed very intoxicated, found it hard to get into her seat and kicked the seat in front…Rusanova allegedly fell asleep but then began bothering other passengers, moving around the cabin and speaking incoherently when she awoke…She is then accused of drinking a bottle of liquid hand soap from a lavatory on the plane as a flight attendant looked on, according to the documents…Liquid soap is sometimes consumed for its alcohol content.

According to court documents, after her arrest she spent the night at Eastern Maine Medical Center for observation and is said to have told FBI agents: ‘It’s typical of me. I sometimes do crazy things.’

Hairdresser turns robber into sex slave

A young hairdresser in Kaluga, Central Russia, locked a robber who tried to steal her money in the basement of the beauty salon…The robber, who has not been named, burst into the salon armed with a shotgun…One of hairdressers, who was studying judo and taekwondo, disabled the robber with a smashing body blow. Then she carried the unlucky robber to the basement and bound him with a hairdryer cord.

The hairdresser told her scared colleague and a client that she would call the police, but she did not… instead of calling the police, she made her hostage undress. The perverted hairdresser forced the hostage to take several Viagra tablets. She chained the unfortunate robber with pink furry wristbands and painfully raped him for the next three days…The frenulum of his penis was torn as a consequence of (the) rape session.

“That’s ridiculous. We had sex just a couple times. I brought him brand new jeans. I fed him every day and gave him one thousand rubles ($25) before his release,” the hairdresser said…The robber admitted that the hairdresser really did feed him royally.

“I actually don’t know what will happen to them. But it’s a pity that they could not meet in the cell. They would be a great couple,” one of the police officers said.  

Apparently Yakov Smirnoff was not exaggerating when he made all those jokes about Russia basically being hell on Earth – the weather sucks, the average monthly wage is $400, and there is a national infatuation with penile mutilation – but they do have universal health care.  These three stories are courtesy of MosNews, and just reading them makes my meat and two veg ache unmercifully:

Son Cuts off Father’s Penis as a Dare:

A man in the central Russian city of Tver has cut off his father’s penis after the two men had a drunken bet, the Tvernews web-site reports.

According to local media father and son were drinking together and at some point started to argue whether the son would dare to cut off his father’s penis. The son won the bet while the father was rushed to the surgery department of a local hospital. The doctors said that upon arrival at the hospital the patient was calm and only swore at himself for allowing his son to cut off “the most precious of his belongings”.

The doctors have said that the success of the operation is still in question as the cut off part has gone black and the body might reject it.

Woman Attacks Husband’s Member with Power Drill for Excessive Spending:

A Russian woman attacked her husband with an electric drill after learning that he had spent his salary on alcohol.

Andrey, a 25-year-old construction worker, came home drunk on pay day and without money, Life.ru website reports.

His wife tried asking him where the money was, but instead of responding he fell asleep.

The woman, aged 28, searched his pockets and found nothing. Enraged, she snatched her husband’s electric drill and stuck it into his pants.

The man woke up and sobering up immediately pushed the wife away and called an ambulance.

“The drill broke the skin and went two centimeters into the penis,” surgeon Dmitry Semenov said commenting on the accident.

“He had to undergo urgent surgery. Luckily for him, we saved the organ.”

On leaving the hospital, the man filed for divorce but did not start a criminal case against his wife.

Woman Blasts off Boyfriend’s Penis with Firecrackers:

A Russian woman got so upset by the news that her boyfriend intended to leave her that she tied several firecrackers to his penis and exploded them, the Life.ru web-site reports.

The 33-year-old victim, identified as Alik D. had lived with the woman whose name was reported as Kira V. for about two years, but when the girlfriend started suggesting that they should marry, the man refused and said that he would rather return to his first wife with whom he had a son.

When Alik started moving out Kira suggested that they had a farewell dinner. After a hearty meal and some heavy drinking Alik fell asleep. The girlfriend tied several firecrackers to Alik’s penis and exploded them. The man was rushed to intensive care and doctors are reported to be fighting for his life.

Kind of gives a whole new meaning to “blowing your load”…sorry, I just couldn’t resist.