Comedian Russell Brand has referred to himself as an “S&M Willy Wonka”, but I prefer to think of him as Dane Cook with a cockney accent that makes him sound an awful lot like Captain Jack Sparrow.  Honestly, I have no idea why this guy is becoming so popular in the U.S.; but I think at least part of Brand’s popularity can be attributed to him being somewhat of a rehab virtuoso – in his life, he claims to have suffered from: heroin addiction, bipolar disorder, alcoholism, cutting, bulimia, and sex addiction.  If you’re not familiar with the work of this British flunky, consider yourself lucky; but if you’re actually interested in finding out more about the man behind the eyeliner and skinny jeans, check out the profile video he recently posted on EHarmony:

7 Things You Don’t Know About Russell Brand…and one thing you should know - he’s not funny:

Today’s Hater Hall of Shame inductee is known for a number of things, like bringing back the trucker hat, having over a million followers on Twitter, and being a total hipster doofus – in other words, he’s completely useless:

Christoper Ashton Kutcher,  Born February 7, 1978

Ashton Kutcher was born and raised on the mean streets of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. His father Larry worked at a General Mills factory, and his mother Diane worked for Proctor and Gamble; Kutcher has an older sister, and a fraternal twin who wasn’t born with a horseshoe in his ass – that’s how you can tell them apart.  Ashton attended two different high schools in Iowa due to his family moving, and ended up attending Clear Creek-Amana High School.  He and a friend were arrested his senior year, after breaking into the school and stealing some money.  Kutcher was charged with third-degree burglary and placed on probation for three years, which he says helped straighten his thug life out.

He attended the University of Iowa after high school and majored in biochemical engineering, but never obtained a degree.  While patronizing a bar called The Airliner, Kutcher was recruited to join a modeling competition called “Fresh Faces of Iowa.”  He won the competition, and earned a trip to New York City for the International Modeling and Talent Association Convention in 1998.  Despite placing second, Ashton moved to Los Angeles so he could pursue a career in acting.  After struggling in L.A. for a couple of days, Ashton went to his first audition and was cast to play Michael Kelso in That 70′s Show. His first lead role on the big screen would come alongside Seann William Scott in the 2000 film Dude, Where’s My Car? His performance in this Cheech & Chong knockoff earned him a role in a couple of other comedy films (I use that term loosely), and Kutcher also tried his hand in a drama with the 2004 release of The Butterfly Effect - a film which exemplifies a good idea gone terribly awry.

Although he has been in a few box office successes, a bulk of Kutcher’s popularity should be attributed to the release of his MTV reality show Punk’d in 2003.  I admit that this show had its moments, but Ashton’s antics (and his gas station trucker hats) got real old, real fast.  Punk’d also caused Kutcher to see himself as a legitimate TV creator/producer, and has led to him being an intregal part in more worthless reality programs.  Since 2004, he has served as the executive producer on six reality shows (only one of them made it past 8 episodes) and a new game show (Opportunity Knocks, which lasted 3 episodes).  I will give Aston credit in two areas though – he managed to bag super cougar Demi Moore in 2003 (they are now married), and has made the most from his talent…if anybody happens to know what that talent is, please fill me in.

Ashton can’t believe his “dickweed” neighbor has the nerve to do construction on his house…and in the morning no less.  Who said celebrities don’t have it rough?

Dave Chappelle shares a poem he wrote about Ashton on The Def Poetry Jam (language).

The popularity of Punk’d did cause a number of imitators to come out of the TV woodworks.  Who knew The Gambler was such a prankster?

Video embedding was disabled, so here is the YouTube link.