• The Super Bowl kind of sounds like an emergency appendectomy that’s being performed on Andre the Giant.
• “I wouldn’t make a good gay guy because I can never get it all in the first wipe.” – Anonymous…ok, I just made that shit up.
• “Nin ten dough, Wii go” – An ultimatum given by Chinese terrorists.
• Herpes – Genital Braille
• Plastic or Paper? – Old school dope dealer vs. new school, environmentally conscious dope dealer.
• Politically correct - A show by a guy with a duck-billed platypus-like nose, or a term for not having the guts to say what you really think in a given situation.
• A blow job – What a married guy gets when he is told to clean up the car.
• Bourbon balls – A pair of testicles in a red, wax-covered sack.
• Pill head – The one member of your family who actually enjoys family get togethers.
• MSG – The Chinese equivalent to PMS, but it’s much saltier.
• Mopeds – What a fat kid with a lisp says when his dispenser runs out of candy.
• Sectional sofas – Furniture for those of us who are too lazy to make it all the way around the room without needing to sit down.
• Sean Connery – Has he ever played someone who was actually from Scotland?
• Submarine movies – Can’t we all just get along?  Ain’t nothin angrier than a bunch of motherfuckers under water, in a tube, with a camera following them around.
• Homicide – A pesticide made by a gay guy.
• Sumo wrestlers – Who wouldn’t want to be fat and adored by women, all while wearing a diaper?
• Steven Seagal – The reason I went on a diet and quit slicking my hair back.
• 100 Proof – Evidence that life is only good 50% of the time, which necessitates drinking something at least twice as strong.
• Drug addicts in movies – Always more fashionable, prettier, and less scary than they are in real life.
• Jennifer Tilly – Has got some Tillybitties.  She’s almost as bad as Gene Simmons’ wife Shannon Tweed.  Both of their movies are always on Skinemax late at night, and they both show their tits within the first five minutes of appearing on screen.
• Zoo – “A controversial documentary about bestiality which focuses on a Seattle man who died after having sex with a horse.  Includes interviews and re-enactments of the incident.”  This was apparently the funniest shit I missed on DirecTV’s Sundance East Channel.  I don’t think actual horse fuckin is as bad as re-enacting it.  Plus, a man lost his life.  Have some decency and quit trying to beat off a dead horse for Christ’s sake.

When it comes to movies, there aren’t many things that I despise more than an ill-placed, ill-conceived one-liner being squeezed into a script for the sake of comic relief – unless the movie in question stars an actor who has become synonymous with this type of dialogue.  The following video is a prime example of how one actor continually turned cheese into comedy gold, and made a highly successful career from it (Contains language):