So I took our German Shepherd Shayn to the vet a while back, and found out that she has severe skin problems - apparently her derma gets all scabby, like a geezer who didn’t make it in time for the bluebird special.  I was told that it is worse than a leper’s skin after having bathed in Oxiclean, but I can’t confirm that.  She was previously prescribed Keflex and Prednisone to treat her equivalent of a 13 year-old pizza face – at certain times in high school, my face had extra toppings too.  But it seems that she has built up a tolerance to Keflex, so the vet has now moved her letter of membership from the Church of Antibiotics, to the Holy House of Bactrum.  Hopefully this will help her, and she’ll no longer have that corn chip-like aromaer (Boston accent spelling).  As it stands now, she’s the Queen of Cornchippia.  It’s hard to say this, considering WWII and all, but bless her little German heart.

The vet has had her on Prednisone for some time now, which is a common steroid.  I thought about the consequences, but worse case scenario is that it works too well.  It might give Shayn added speed, or enable her to finally catch the tail that has tormented her all these years – or, it could possibly take 5 seconds off her best ball-fetching time.  My wonderment is expressed forthwith:  Should Shayn be suspended from partaking in any AKC activities after testing positive for a performance enhancing drug (PED)?

Shayn having it prescribed for skin purposes definitely makes more sense than Manny Ramirez trying to increase his ability to ovulate.  Shayn’s name won’t be leaked to the media, because HIPPA applies to dogs and she has a valid script.  So thankfully, she won’t have to go on Real Sports with Bryant Gumby and give a tell-all interviews to that pug-faced Andrea Kramer, the female Fletch impersonator with lock jaw Mary Carillo, or the undisputed King of the Undead Frank Gifford.  She also won’t be suspended from chasing the ball or frisbee for any number of games, because she’s been open, honest, and pee’d frequently without a request for testing purposes.  Shayn also won’t have to go through the ordeal of constantly being asked why she took PED’s, unlike all those professional athletes who became All-Stars and galactically rich off making their nuts dehydrate – much like a prune left in a Ronco Food Dehydrater overnight.  The answer to that question is more readily transparent than the glass house I live in.

I hear that the AKC even toyed with the possibility of instituting a testing program as of late.  The problem is, they haven’t been able to build a facility with enough fire hydrants to perform urinalysis on all the dogs.  Hair samples can’t be done either, because flea & tick medicine can result in false positives for methamphetamines.  Heartguard will cause a false positive for opiates - it’s also considered the Oxycontin of the AKC, because it is so easy to obtain and can help dogs recover from leash leg, collar colitis and paw pustules much faster than normal.  So does giant testicles on a tea cup Yorkie, or ball bearings on a Bull Mastiff always mean that dog has been slobberuicin’ (industry slang for using PED’s)?  In the words of the immortal Harry Carey - who had glasses so big, you’d think they were on Andro - ”It could be, it might be, it ain’t” necessarily a sign of PED use.  We have to remember that some dogs are more “naturally talented” than others, just like normal people and genre specific pornstars.

In the first installment of Lifestyles of the Rich and Brainless, we journeyed into the world of extravagant baby birthday parties and the idiots who spend bukoos of money on them.  Today we will examine another group that is undeservedly pampered; the reasoning behind this growing trend is even more mind-boggling, however, because it involves individuals spending inordinate amounts of money on a totally different species.  I am talking about the creation and growth of ”Pet Resorts” (or ”Pet Spas”), which sounds more like the title of a Disney/Pixar film than an actual place.

First and foremost, I consider myself to be an animal lover - in the platonic sense of course, not in a Tijuana back-alley performance kind of way.  Pets possess a therapeutic quality, and no matter how shitty your day is, they have ways of making you feel better in no time.  This type of companionship is probably what led to the idea of pet resorts, but unfortunately I can’t prove this hypothesis.  I searched the web near and narrow (opposite of far and wide) for information on the first pet resort opened in the U.S., but to no avail.  Although I couldn’t find the progenitor of these pet paradises, the boom of this industry is apparent.  There are hoards of these places popping up all over the map – the search term “pet spa” returned over 80 million hits - and most of them have cheesy, pun-based names like La Bone Pet Spa or The Four Paws Pet Resort.  They offer amenities like swimming pools, play rooms, flat screen TV’s, massages, and chef prepared gourmet meals - in other words, things I can rarely afford when I book a vacation.  In my opinion, there are countless reasons why you shouldn’t take your pet to a spa, and here are few off the top of my head:

• Pets have shitty memories – My dog acts the exact same every time I come home, whether I’ve been gone for ten minutes or ten days.  It’s not like your pet would return from their little sabbatical, and rave to all their friends about the great experience they had and how they can’t wait to to go back in the future.  What could one of these places possibly do to make this trip a memorable one – do these resorts compile a scrapbook of photos from the doggy congo line, or send a trophy home with the winner of the Hottest Teets contest?
• Pets don’t deserve gourmet meals- I actually saw an interview with the owner of a pet spa in my area recently; when asked about their high priced doggy treats, she said that “animal’s taste buds are more sophisticated than we realize”.  First off, I have a hard time believing that a lot of research has been done in this field; and even if millions of dollars have been spent researching the palettes of our four-legged friends, what kind of variables and constants were used to come to this conclusion?  I’m no scientist, but I could probably predict the results if they set a can of Alpo next to a Philly cheesesteak and had the animal choose between the two.  If an animal’s taste buds are as refined as the “experts” claim, then my dogs’ genitals must taste like filet mignon.   
• Pets already have it made - Most people take vacations to get away from the daily grind and relieve all the stress that has built up over the previous months.  What could possibly happen to an animal that would warrant a little high priced rest and relaxation – another dog keeps peeing on their hydrant, their favorite chew toy comes up missing?  The average pet’s life consists of three basic things: sleeping, eating, pissing/shitting.  This daily routine is simple enough already, and when you throw in the fact that all of these things can be done at their own leisure, you pretty much have a blueprint for the perfect life.   

I’m not sure how (or if) the following video relates to the topic at hand, but Dale Sturtevant definitely has the right idea: