When you’re wasting time social networking with the aid of a machine, have you ever noticed all this advertising shit in the right hand column - namely the ones that pop up every time you open your Facebook page?  On mine, at least, it is always some hot, big-boobed chick telling me I should read through their classifieds, because a girl just like her is going to be all about me.  Gimme a break.  A female that attractive hasn’t looked at me like that since the first time I whacked off to one of the many Playboys I stole from my dad.  Anything with a rack like that usually ends up stuffed, and on some redneck’s wall as a trophy.  Seriously, if I’d ever bagged something like that, it probably would be hanging somewhere on display in my living room.  On a side note, thank Sam Walton that type of taxidermy doesn’t apply to my college days.  If that was the case, my living room would have had to be reinforced with some kind of load bearing material to support some of my conquests.  For every respectable example of collegiate fair, there would probably be at least two that you’d only line the walls of your basement with.  Goddamn Fairness Doctrine.

You know that late night TV has gone to complete shit when you have to cover one eye to view it properly, and what you see out of it is Rocky Balboa.  I mean, was there really even a need for Rocky’s II, III, IV, & V?  Did Rocky want us to believe that Rambo defeated Communism by beating up Ivan Drago?  What the hell?  All of Stallone’s shit seems to run together anyway, so I kept waiting for him to come out of the corner covered in a burlap tarp, with a red sash around his head and an all-purpose blade at his side.  Then you have Mickey Goldmill.  As if Grumpy Old Men wasn’t his coup de grâce, he had to go and star in another popular movie before people started speculatin’ on his inevitable demise.  Burgess Meredith was the equivalent of the modern day stock market, or a whore in a porno.  Everyone knows it is going down on a daily basis, the only question is how far will it go?  And, for a second question that isn’t the “only question”, will they get back up?  I guess that all is determined by whether or not you’re Burgess Meredith or Blow Job Betty, doesn’t it?

Whoever the geezer is that Burgess Meredith is playing also always wears a hearing aid that could be equivocated to an iPhone for retards (except when he was The Penguin).  The wire on that thing is big enough to give power to all of North America.  If he is around during a blackout, power could probably be restored as fast as someone could use flash cards, hand gestures, or strategic punches to get that old fuck to listen.  His hearing aid seriously looked like it is had the cord off a pre-cordless phone.  It’s almost like the trainer guy is tethered to his own gourd by that big ass cord.  When he walks, I keep waiting for it to stretch out, causing his head to be jerked back, and his body to hit the floor.  That thing couldn’t have just been a hearing aid, because it looks like he could pick up both the Secret Service’s feed AND DirecTV’s most premium package.  You are guaranteed not to miss any NFL games on Sunday as long as you get this fool near paned glass, and out of a rainstorm.

It is no secret that Dolph Lundren is one of the single greatest actors of my generation.  This Swedish sensation is probably best known for playing the communist contender of the ageless Eyetalian punching bag, but his depth as an actor has been on display in every movie he’s ever been a part of.  Whether he was defending Eternia from the evil Skeletor, mixing it up with the Muscles from Brussels, or having a Showdown in Little Tokyo, Lundgren continually proved that he was more than just a Swedish macho man with a flaxen flat top.  There’s a good chance you may not have seen him in anything of note lately (unless you are a fan of direct-to-DVD movies or SyFy Originals), but this doesn’t mean he has fallen out of the spotlight.  Apparently the spotlight just moved to his home country – which Mr. Smith once affectionately referred to as “Meatballville” – because he was selected as one of three host for the 2010 Melodifestivalen.  This show is basically a yearly singing competition held among his countrymen/women, and the winner(s) goes on to represent Sweden in something called the Eurovision Song Contest – from what I can gather, this is like American Idol without the Americans.  On a recent episode, Dolph proved that he no longer wants to “break you” as Ivan Drago once proclaimed; now he would rather break it down for you - and break a few blocks of ice just to show you he’s still got it.       

(Video found on Buzzfeed)