I would contend that Seinfeld is the greatest sitcom throughout the course of TV history, and there honestly isn’t a close second that I can even think of right now.  Although the show really wasn’t about nothing as it claimed, it did illustrate how trivial, commonplace interactions or events that take place in real life can be funnier than any situation you could make up – like say, a foreign sheepherder moving in with his uptight American cousin or anything involving a domestic worker and the family they take care of (see Mr. Belvedere, Charles in Charge, The Nanny, etc.) Anyway, while the so-called star of the show was Jerry Seinfeld, I’ve said before that he is actually one of my least favorite characters from the ensemble cast.  But one of his parts that I always enjoyed were the comedy club scenes where he would often end or begin jokes with quips like “Who are these people?” and “What’s the deal?”  Since these are also questions that often go through my mind all the time, I have decided to try my hand at a little observational humor.  So, (in my best Seinfeld voice) “What’s the deal with”…

• all these shows about little people?  You have Little People, Big World, The Little Couple, Dwarf Adoption Story, Little Chocolatiers, Our Little Life, and probably more that I failed to mention – but if you ask me, one show is still one too many.  Why is a miniature full grown adult still so captivating to viewing audiences?  It’s not like this is the 1600′s, and people still think little people are born as a result of some curse, witchcraft, or an angry god.  These mini-me’s have the exact same lives as anyone else; the only difference is that they occasionally have to deal with problems adults who break the 5 foot barrier don’t face, such as: their disappointment with the theme park experience, reaching the expensive/regional items at the top of grocery shelves, and dealing with old people constantly gawking at them.  Why not create a reality show about something more rare than people with a simple genetic mutation, like Native Americans maybe.
• re-enactment actors hardly ever looking like the people they are portraying?  A show that I often watch on NatGeo (the new, hip way to say National Geographic) called Locked Up Abroad always use these types of actors, and mix in interviews with the real person who went through their own personal hell.  It is rare that they ever match up very well, even in terms of basic physical characteristics.  They interview some mammoth pockmarked English lady with bad teeth about her keistering a heroin-filled Trojan in Tijuana, and then re-enact the situation with some chick who looks like Charlize Theron.  The stories do flashback in time, but Schwarzenegger and DeVito were more believable twins than the actors playing these people.  Plus, most people buy into the belief that everyone has a “doppleganger” somewhere and I have found that to be true; there are many times when I meet new people and my first thought is, “Who does he look like?” – and other times when I am told, “You look just like this other person I know.”  Opting to go with realistic body doubles for shows like Locked Up Abroad that use re-enactors would also help out those who could normally only get a part in zombie movies, Lane Bryant/Casual Male XL commercials, or the sequel to Precious.
• the multitude of products that would historically be considered effeminate products now being directed towards the male population?  Body washes, face creams, body sprays, skin lotions, hair gels, fad diets, detergents that remove pit stains, skinny jeans, low calorie beers.  I am not one of these macho meatheads that sits atop his manly high horse, but all of this stuff seems a little “foo-foo” even by my standards.  Guys at their core are really nothing more than sweaty, stinky, sex-crazed apes who have lost their fur and toe fingers – and they used to take pride in that fact.  Now the metrosexual movement has swept through America, and all you have to do is go to a local bar, look around, and take a big whiff to see it in action.  You will see guys with neatly trimmed line beards, a perfectly quaffed bed head, pink and purple polos with popped collars, and the stench of Axe products wafting through the air – and judging from the caliber of women I have seen on the arms of these guys, it appears that this style appeals to the opposite sex.  Well like I always say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.  That’s why I am currently developing a new line of daily testicle-care products with two purposes in mind – possible names are Cojones Cream, Teste Tamer, or Sparkling Sac.  The first of course is to help get ladies, because that’s what most guys care about anyway – and no guy wants to worry about what they smell like south of the equator, or see a “Is that rotten eggs?” expression on some girl’s face if you’re in line for a trouser-friendly kiss.  The second, and more important purpose is for the guy himself.  The daily wash with Sparkling Sac will require that you specifically target the nether region with cleanliness in mind, which in turn will also make you physically touch them everyday to ensure that you do indeed still have a pair.

Many Christmases ago, a man by the name of Frank Costanza went to buy a doll for his son.  When he arrived at the store, there was only one left on the shelf; and just as Frank reached for it, so did another man.  A scuffle ensued, and as Mr. Constanza rained blows upon the mysterious shopper’s head, he realized there had to be another way.  Although the doll was destroyed during the melee, a new holiday was born: “A Festivus for the rest of us”.  Every holiday has its own traditions or rituals, and Festivus is no different in this respect.  The day of Festivus festivities begins on December 23rd with an unadorned (some people find tinsel to be distracting) aluminum pole being put on display in the house - aluminum was chosen due to its high strength-to-weight ratio.  In the evening, a celebratory dinner is served, which traditionally features turkey or ham, various side dishes, and a Pepperidge Farm cake topped with M&M’s for dessert.  Immediately after everyone is finished eating, the family gathers, usually around the Festivus pole, for the “Airing of the Grievances”.  This is a special time in which each individual gets an opportunity to tell their fellow family members all the different ways they have been a disappointment over the last year.  After everyone has finished with their verbal tirades, the night ends with a “Feats of Strength” contest.  This involves the head of the household challenging another person at the party to a wrestling match.  Festivus is not over until the challenger has the partriarch (or matriarch) pinned - which often causes temporary pain and permanent psychological scars.  If the person is able to walk away unharmed, you have witnessed what some would call ”A Festivus Miracle”.  I hope this brief history will enhance your Festivus experience – and if it didn’t, I’m gonna have a lot of problems with you people!

I am still reeling from a long weekend filled with gluttony and family obligations; but here are a few observations that were brought on by my trip, and a sports story that has scandal written all over it.

• I decided to travel home on the day of Thanksgiving, and let me tell you that nothing gets me more excited for a feast than seeing hundreds of deer carcasses littering the highway.  I don’t even think carcasses is the right term to use for the carnage I witnessed.  The word “smithereens” is probably more appropriate, considering pretty much every Bambi body I saw looked like something straight out of a George Romero movie.  With each passing mile, my hunger for pretty much every food began to dissipate while I continuously weaved through a sea of entrails.  This was also probably the first (and last) time I had seriously thought about the virtues of being a tree-huggin’, patchwork pants-wearin’ vegetarian – I don’t think seeing a bunch of potatoes splattered along the side of the highway would ruin my appetite for some mashed taters and gravy.
• Is there an “Uncle Leo” (or I guess Aunt Lea, if you prefer) in every family, or am I the only one who has to put up with this type of relative at every gathering?  If you recall Seinfeld episodes as vividly as I do, you’ll remember that Uncle Leo almost always talked about his son Jeffrey’s perceived accomplishments whenever he was around Jerry.  I understand being proud of your loin’s fruit, but from the way these relatives talk, you’d think their son becoming the day manager at Foot Locker is only one small step away from securing a CEO position at Nike.  They also pretend to be interested in what you’re doing by asking professional/personal questions; but this is just another way for them to talk about their kid, and subtly point out all the great things they have going for them as if it’s some kind of contest.  Example – Uncle Leo: “Hey Silky, are you dating anyone these days?”  Me: “Not at the moment, I was seeing this girl a little while…Uncle Leo: “Yea, well your cousin Jeffrey started dating this girl, and she is as pretty as any girl you’ll ever see.  She really likes him too.  They actually met at Foot Locker…by the way, did I tell you he just got promoted?”
• I usually don’t take pleasure in the misfortunes of others, but I hope the truth behind this Tiger Woods story is as juicy and sordid as I imagine it to be.  I guess it’s possible that Woods just plowed over a fire hydrant and hit a neighbor’s tree at 2:30 a.m. without the aid of drugs and/or alcohol - Florida police “didn’t think” alcohol was a factor, and apparently didn’t know they had access to these fancy little machines called breathalyzers.  Supposedly his wife broke out the back windshield of Tiger’s SUV with a golf club so she could “rescue” him; but the wreck didn’t cause any of the vehicle’s airbags to deploy, and the front end was not that badly damaged – which makes you wonder why she would use a Nike driver like it was the jaws of life, as opposed to just opening up one of the doors.  After Tiger was released from the hospital with “facial lacerations”, police came to the house to get statements from him and his wife Elin; but upon arriving, his wife said Tiger was “sleeping” and asked that they come back the next day - and amazingly, they agreed.  If a non-famous person crashed into some shit pulling out of their driveway at 2:30 in the morning and asked the police to come back another time, I’m pretty sure the outcome would involve handcuffs, a taser, and your own private room at the police station - after they finished laughing at your request to postpone police business because it’s nap time.  The most reasonable explanation, and one that is being reported on various news outlets, is that Tiger has been practicing his world famous stroke away from his home course.  Which makes sense, because it’s a lot easier to wreck pulling out of your driveway after an infuriated spouse scratches your face all to hell upon learning of your infidelity, smashes out the back window of your car as your pulling out of the garage, and chases you down the driveway screaming obscenities and waving a golf club around like it’s a medieval mace.  Then again, Tiger is 1/4 Chinese, so maybe his terrible driving isn’t just confined to a golf course tee box…  

Well, not really…it is actually an original (and fake) episode of Seinfeld that was recently a part of the season 7 finale on Curb Your Enthusiasm.  The video is only six minutes long, but I’d have to say it’s better than the hour long finale that initially ended the show’s nine year run - it’s definitely better than seeing Michael Richards do his stand-up act, or watching any movie/show that Jerry, Jason, or Julia-Louis have been in since…well, ever.          

Lawrence “Larry” David,  Born July 2, 1947

Lawrence Gene David was born to a Jewish American family in Brooklyn, New York; he grew up in a neighborhood called Sheepshead Bay, and attended Sheepshead Bay High School in the mid-60′s.  After graduation, Larry chose to go to Maryland University at College Park; in 1969, he earned a bachelor’s degree in history, and then another in business one year later.  After college, David decided to forgo the daily grind that comes with being a college history professor, and opted for a career in stand-up comedy instead.  At first, Larry struggled - like most up-and-coming comedians – and had to take on odd jobs to make ends meet; while honing his comedy act, he also worked as a store clerk, limo driver, and TV repairman.  In 1980, he was hired as a writer on the sketch comedy show Friday’s, which was basically ABC’s answer to Saturday Night Live.  When Friday’s was cancelled in 1982, David continued to do stand-up until he was hired as a writer for SNL in 1984.  During the one season that he worked on the show, Larry was only able to get one sketch on the air - and it was the last skit in the show’s time slot.  He became dissatisfied with this minimal role, and ended up quitting in midseason; but in typical Costanza fashion (or David fashion as the case actually is), he showed back up at work a few days later and acted as though nothing had happened. 

Larry David’s life would take a turn for the better in 1989 when comedian Jerry Seinfeld asked him to help create and write a sitcom for NBC.  The Seinfeld Chronicles was pitched as a “show about nothing”, and the plot revolved around the daily lives of four single friends who reside in New York’s Upper West Side.  A lot of the storylines, characters, and casting for the show came from Larry’s personal experiences, as well as previous work relationships – he lived next to a guy in Hell’s Kitchen named Kenny Kramer, previously worked with both Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and Michael Richards, and events in his own life served as inspiration for George Costanza’s character, just to name a few.  After the debut of the pilot, it seemed unlikely that NBC would continue the series, and the show’s rights were even offered to FOX – who declined to pick it up.  But an NBC big wig named Rick Ludwin chose to divert money from his budget so that four more episodes could be filmed.  The show achieved modest success during its first few seasons, but didn’t crack the Nielsen Ratings Top 30 until the fourth season.  Larry decided to leave Seinfeld in 1996 after the seventh season ended; he wrote or co-wrote 57 of the 180 episodes (not including re-writes of the script), and also returned to write the show’s finale two years later.  During his time with the show, Larry received 19 Emmy nominations for his work, and won twice - one for best comedy & one for his writing.  It is estimated that David earned $250 million in 1998 alone, which was a result of the him selling the show’s syndication rights (this was also part of the original NBC deal, which totaled $1.7 billion).  Although Seinfeld has now been off the air for over a decade, many people still consider it to be the greatest show in TV history - and I happen to be one of them

After a short hiatus, and an unsuccessful movie, Larry returned to his roots for an hour long HBO special titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm.  This special was then transformed into a 30 minute sitcom of the same name, which premiered on October 15, 2000.  Larry plays a fictionalized version of himself on the show - a neurotic, semi-retired writer/comedian with too much time on his hands - who often finds himself in socially awkward situations and predicaments that he unknowingly created (also known as a “Larry David Moment”).  The plotlines are similar to that of Seinfeld in that most of them convey the humor in seemingly mundane events; but unlike his previous endeavor, each episode is littered with profanity and cringe-inducing moments that only networks like HBO (and minds like Larry David) can provide.  The show is currently in its seventh season, and has been nominated for 28 Emmy Awards - yet somehow, it has only won once.  In my eyes, there aren’t too many comedians (alive or dead) who can match the razor sharp wit and humor of Larry David, so it’s only fitting that we welcome the Master of his Domain into the Hater Hall of Fame.

Larry is not a fan of the Bluetooth craze:

His performance at a benefit in 2005 titled “Earth to America!”:

The best of Larry as “Big Stein”:

“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”

“The Library”:

“The Non-Fat Yogurt”:

“The Opposite”:

Today seems like a good time to share just a few of my favorite episodes from a great comedy series, Curb Your Enthusiasm.  The show was created by Seinfeld writer and co-creator Larry David, who also plays himself in the lead role. 

“Thor”: Season 2, Episode 2

“Krazee Eyez Killa”: Season 3, Episode 8

“The Car Pool Lane”: Season 4, Episode 6