• The Super Bowl kind of sounds like an emergency appendectomy that’s being performed on Andre the Giant.
• “I wouldn’t make a good gay guy because I can never get it all in the first wipe.” – Anonymous…ok, I just made that shit up.
• “Nin ten dough, Wii go” – An ultimatum given by Chinese terrorists.
• Herpes – Genital Braille
• Plastic or Paper? – Old school dope dealer vs. new school, environmentally conscious dope dealer.
• Politically correct - A show by a guy with a duck-billed platypus-like nose, or a term for not having the guts to say what you really think in a given situation.
• A blow job – What a married guy gets when he is told to clean up the car.
• Bourbon balls – A pair of testicles in a red, wax-covered sack.
• Pill head – The one member of your family who actually enjoys family get togethers.
• MSG – The Chinese equivalent to PMS, but it’s much saltier.
• Mopeds – What a fat kid with a lisp says when his dispenser runs out of candy.
• Sectional sofas – Furniture for those of us who are too lazy to make it all the way around the room without needing to sit down.
• Sean Connery – Has he ever played someone who was actually from Scotland?
• Submarine movies – Can’t we all just get along?  Ain’t nothin angrier than a bunch of motherfuckers under water, in a tube, with a camera following them around.
• Homicide – A pesticide made by a gay guy.
• Sumo wrestlers – Who wouldn’t want to be fat and adored by women, all while wearing a diaper?
• Steven Seagal – The reason I went on a diet and quit slicking my hair back.
• 100 Proof – Evidence that life is only good 50% of the time, which necessitates drinking something at least twice as strong.
• Drug addicts in movies – Always more fashionable, prettier, and less scary than they are in real life.
• Jennifer Tilly – Has got some Tillybitties.  She’s almost as bad as Gene Simmons’ wife Shannon Tweed.  Both of their movies are always on Skinemax late at night, and they both show their tits within the first five minutes of appearing on screen.
• Zoo – “A controversial documentary about bestiality which focuses on a Seattle man who died after having sex with a horse.  Includes interviews and re-enactments of the incident.”  This was apparently the funniest shit I missed on DirecTV’s Sundance East Channel.  I don’t think actual horse fuckin is as bad as re-enacting it.  Plus, a man lost his life.  Have some decency and quit trying to beat off a dead horse for Christ’s sake.

Steven Frederic Seagal moved to Japan in his early teens, and would eventually become the first foreigner to run an aikido school in that nation’s history.  He returned to America in 1983 as a 7th-dan blackbelt in aikido, and opened up a dojo in California with one of his former students.  But I will always know him as the ponytail wearin’, martial arts actor who has broken more limbs than a fat lumberjack.  Seagal was a hot commodity in the 90′s, and starred in several box office hits before falling down the direct-to-DVD rabbit hole - probably because he now looks like a guy who ate Nico.   His career has experienced a resurgence lately, but people apparently aren’t just interested in his big screen performances anymore.  Now people watch him bustin’ heads with a badge on A&E’s Lawman, shreddin’ the six string with his band Thunderbox, or selling his own brand of energy drink.

This video goes a little overboard with the slo-mo, but it does a good job of conveying Seagal’s zen-like philosophy through both his words and actions:       

I guess the people of Norway are either big fans of Steven or Madtv, because all of the skits with Will Sasso as Seagal on YouTube have Norwegian subtitles:

This song is from Seagal’s 2005 album Songs from the Crystal Cave, and it’s great for at least two reasons – 1) ”Strut” is a reggae jam featuring the “Queen of Dancehall” music in Jamaica, & 2) The lyrics include Seagal saying “poonani” twice: 

While I was getting my pontification on yesterday - that sounds like I either bought a shitty American car made by a company that just got bailed out, or I crossed that river George Washington john boated across years ago – I watched Will Ferrell doing a type of one man Broadway show as George Dubya Bush.  Will Ferrell is still running around acting like G.W.B., even though he left SNL three funny movies and about five not-so funny movies ago (Semi-Pro, sans the Ferrell-fro, was less funny than GWB’s last four years).  He’s still hilarious doing it, too; in my opinion, it’s probably his best character.  Several people, however, hang on for far too long and don’t let go of the characters that made them famous. 

Long after the characters have ran their course and are no longer hip, cool, funny or mainstream, the actors who portray them can’t let go; this either happens because they can’t branch out into anything else, or they don’t want to get off that gravy train of cash and fame.  For instance, Steven Segal (See-gall) played a guy that may or may not have actually been himself – all chunky, slicked-back-hair-havin’, kung-fu junction-knowin’, loners.  He generally beat the urine out of a lot of people, and saved either families, hot chicks, cities, or the free world - which contains all of the above.  He could never get away from playing this type of guy, and now he needs to be on the back of a Starbucks cup or a beginner set of nunchucks (these are the type made for militant Catholic women); who the hell knows where he is since this genre of movie fell out of favor with the general public?  Where’s that chick who played Mary Catherine Gallagher, or whoever it was that smelled her pits and always jumped backwards into stuff within a three minute time frame?  That’s not exactly a role you can have a De Niro or Pacino-like career with; but she played the hell out of it on SNL, and then even convinced somebody to finance a whole a movie about that shit.  The movie came out and then she disappeared from the Hollywood scene quicker than pet rocks.  Dudley Moore played that drunk quasi-midget English cat to the hilt with so much success that it killed him.  That’s a case of art limiting life.

A lot of actors had characters that were hotter than a Thai VD, but they realized to progress as an actor or artist they had to let those things go and come up with something different.  Will Smith got over being the Fresh Prince, and worrying about his parents not understanding.  If he was still hanging out with Jazzy Jeff, Jada Pinkett’s last name wouldn’t be Smith, and he would not make about $20 million a film.  Chevy Chase is interesting because he got over being Gerald Ford, and actually left SNL to get away from it - but he couldn’t ever get away from being Clark Griswold.  In my church of Vacations, we don’t recognize Vegas Vacation, and Cousin Eddie is a patron saint.  Sylvester Stallone got trapped by too hot characters in Rocky and Rambo, and got away from both of them to make a bunch of generally ignorant movies.  After seemingly ending both series with sub-par films, he then came back years later to make what appears to be the finale of each series.  If for no other reason, it’s because he is currently somewhere around 60, so any future installments would involve massive amounts of prune juice, Depends, and Ben-Gay.

Why can’t these people let go sooner?  Well, when you’ve got a ton of cash being thrown in your direction, you don’t notice how stupid  “John Snow 8: Hell Is Going To Freeze Over” sounds.  All you think about is how you can defer some of that money, hide it in off-shore bank accounts, and tie in the movie promotions with a refrigerator and snow cone machine manufacturer.  Those roles brought these people to the big time, and they are going to keep grindin’ with them until the chaperon comes over and says there has to be enough space for them and the Holy Ghost.  Can you really blame them?  Nah.  You only blame them when it isn’t funny, or the movie isn’t good any more.  Men in Black I was good, but the rest sucked and you started to think the whole idea was goofy.  It got ludicrous when Putty was an MIB agent, and Jackass was an alien in that one sequel.  If hindsight really was 20/20, we’d all have eyes in the back of our ass.  I mention it frequently, but Tropic Thunder illustrates this point perfectly with the plight of Tugg Speedman.  I’m not going any further than merely typing Tugg Speedman again, the name alone says enough.

A popular cliche that most everyone has heard at one time or another is, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”  This is most certainly true, because one image can quickly convey a message that might otherwise take pages of text to explain.  But if a picture is worth a thousand words, then a video has to be worth at least 7,358 words or more – you can do the math, do the homework.  

In 1987, a company named CompuServe introduced the GIF (Graphics Interchange Format) to those in the computer world.  Since that time, GIF images have experienced widespread popularity and growth on the World Wide Web.  There are countless GIF animations on the Internet, and new ones pop up every day; while some are cheesy and pointless, there are many others that are creative and absolutely hilarious.  Here are some classics that I found, and feel free to link any of your favorites in the comments section below.

I will add some more to the post throughout the day if any catch my eye…