Fraser doing his best Derek Zoolander impersonation

What is the deal with all these hand sanitizers.  What’s that?  Oh.  I’m being informed that I’ve already been down that highway before.  So, other than The Former Governator, Christoper “Don’t ask me to get up” Reeves and Brad Pitt, has there ever been another actor in the history of cinema who was never been in a realistic movie other than Brendan Fraser?  To begin with, this guy was supposedly born in some weird ass place known as Indianapolis, Indiana.  Yeah, sure.  Like Greeks and Friends of The Firewater have ever set up shop together.

As far as I remember, Brendan Fraser started off his leading man “make believe” career with the movie Encino Man.  This flick also featured Frodo’s hobbit lover, who went on to play football at Notre Dame despite his diminutive stature, and Pauly Shore.  What’s a Pauly Shore?  Anyway, this movie was essentially about a caveman (Fraser) who is defrosted and comes back to life in modern day California.  You know how I know that story was complete bullshit?  He never flogged any type of insurance or mutual funds the entire movie.  Everyone who’s anyone knows that cavemen are either insurance salesman, stockbrokers, or unfrozen lawyers.  This bastard started off less believable than evolution, dinosaurs, and the moon landing combined.  Sure, you can point to the “evidence” that all that shit happened; but what book do you have saying it did not happen, because it says so?  Baaaaah.

School Ties was one of the next movies that came up on the phonydar.  In it, Fraser played a Jewish quarterback who enrolled at an all-Ayran private school.  I think the school’s name was Auschwitz Academy, and their mascot was the Hitlerite.  Despite all this, his character wanted to go to this school on a scholarship, so he could better himself and wait out being ostracized by his peers.  A good ostracization can do the soul good . And somehow, none of these derma craniums picked up on the fact that he had a harp looking thing with candles in his room that burned for 8 nights in December.  His ”outing” didn’t occur until near the end of the first semester, when he started getting rather gentile with a local hottie that Good Will Hunting wanted to solve.  None of his teammates picked up on the fact that he had a star, which was different than the pentagram on his necklace.  No one even noticed that he used matzoh balls to fish for gefilte fish, which he told them were actually jewgills.  This movie was both dumb and dumber than anything your Mummy made up at bed time.

I am not even going to try to get into the rest of his scripted stupidity, because I could write a whole book on Furry Vengeance alone. According to my source(s) – Wikipedia and IMDB – Fraser has over 50 credits in TV and film.  Not only is that depressing and mind-boggling, it’s also way too much ignorance for me to spend my time pontificating on.  I mean, damn.  I prefer to keep my thoughts centered on some of the more meaningful shit that’s out there in the world, like farts, baboon asses, and TECMO Bowl.