The other day while flipping through the guide on my cable box, I noticed the FX channel (which I believe is owned by the foreign guy from Cocktails and the sheriff in Rambo) was showing The Simpsons.  So, I tuned in thinking it was going to be a new reality show about O.J. and his cellmate at the Lovelock Correctional Center – that is the real name of the prison that’s currently squeezin the Juice. As you can imagine, I was mildly disappointed to find out it was actually the theatrical debut of everyone’s favorite animated family; but since I had not seen it yet, I decided to watch a little bit.  There is one part where the Simpsons tear out for Alaska after Homer’s pig shit silo causes the town to be put under a dome, and everyone soon discovers he’s the one to blame. Whereas that movie is the closest I’ve ever came to Alaska – unless you consider the extremely deep holes I dug in the field next to my parent’s house when I was a kid – they seem to be making fun of it.

Apparently  – according to the movie – there are a lot of swilled back Eskimos in Alaska.  What’s wrong with that?  As long as they can continue to make their pies, who gives a damn about their blood alcohol level?  They never say what the swill of choice for said equivalent to frozen Native Americans is though.  Crazy Horse malt liquor is an obvious choice, but I really don’t think anyone other than jockeys with psychological problems drink that stuff.  Thunderbird was apparently a Native American icon, a shitty wine, and an even shittier overpriced auto all that same time.  If I had to guess, I’d imagine Wild Turkey is probably on the menu.  Hopefully it isn’t drank only during one time of the year, and there are not any need for tags and permits; but Alaska probably has funky laws considering they are off to themselves, and closer to Canada than Windsor’s strip clubs and casinos are to Detroit.  A map can teach you a lot,  especially if you’re talking about locales of strip clubs and it is topographical.  Emphasis on “graphical”.

Whether Sarah Palin was drunk when she accepted John McCain’s invitation to be his vice presidental candidate, or John McCain was drunk when he decided to ask her to be his vice presidential candidate is moot at this point.  The real question in my mind is, “Is the average Alaskan politician as hot as Tina Fey portrayed them?”  I mean, it is understandable if the majority of them are good looking, be they a chief, a squaw of caucasion, or of actual Eskimo decent.  They have like six months a year of darkness to stay inside, away from the punishing and age highlighting rays of the sun, so you know they get their big primpin’ on.  And are all teenage Alaskan girls as frisky as Tina Fey as Sarah Palin’s daughter?  The excuse could be they were just “makin heat” – as opposed to bacon – to stay warm and things got out of hand – well, I think the proper term for that skinario would be “things got in hand”, as opposed to outta hand.  All I know from the little bit I do know is that – judging on the number of kids the Palin women have produced – Alaskan women like to do a little dance, make a little love, and get down in their igloo’s most nights.

What are those weirdass lights called? Aura Bore Re Alice, or somethin like that?  Basically, it’s like nature’s version of colorful tracers.  If my memory serves me, those lights can lead to cop on cop crime, and a bunch of sleep depravation – based on what happened to Al Pacino a few years back.  Hell, it even drove Robin Williams to not being funny – some people would say that wasn’t much of a stretch – and homicidal.  Thank god that chick who likes to act like she’s a man was Al’s partner, otherwise no one would have figured it out.  According to my sources, that happens during time of the year when it’s dark constantly, and everyone is getting drunk.  If you base you’re theories about a part of the country/world off an irreverent cartoon, thIS is the type of theories you come up with.  “Alaska: If it weren’t so fuckin’ cold, we wouldn’t be so goddamn drunk.”  I think that is a bumper sticker I heard about seeing in Alaska.

After being on the air for twenty seasons, it isn’t a stretch to say the quality of The Simpsons has declined in recent years.  At one time, you couldn’t pry me away from the TV screen when Springfield’s favorite family hit the airwaves each Sunday night.  And even though I rarely watch any of the new episodes anymore, it would still get my vote as one of the best shows on TV right now.  One of the things I have always liked about Mr. Groening’s creation is the mixture of low & high brow comedy, and the writers’ willingness to spotlight issues that other shows usually shy away from.  One of the taboo subjects that continually pops up in the show (and one which I also like to discuss) is the topic of religion.  Since there are countless instances from The Simpsons’ archives that feature some type of religous dialogue, it’s difficult to pick the best one – but this excerpt from a 2006 episode titled ”Monkey Suit” is definitely one of my personal favorites: 

Charles Montgomery Burns,  Born circa 1900′s

Although Mr. Burns is the richest, most powerful (and oldest…maybe) hater in Springfield, Anywhere USA, this evil nuclear tycoon comes from meager beginnings.  At a young age, Montgomery left his poor family behind and moved in with his grandfather, who was the owner of an atom mill in Springfield.  It was here that Burns first began to learn his evil ways, and became accustomed to living a privileged life.  After high school, Montgomery went to Yale University to study science and business – he was also a member of the college’s secret society, Skull and Bones.  When Burns graduated in 1914, he moved back to his adopted hometown to settle down; it was there that he constructed his massive, state-of-the-art mansion known as Burns Manor.  The house is equipped with amenities that are unparalleled in the world of high-priced real estate, things like: a bottomless pit, a theatre with live plays that run around the clock (even if there is no audience), a human chess board, the biggest TV in the free world, and a model train that takes 3 hours and 47 minutes to make one round-trip.  Not long after building his luxurious estate, Burns also built and founded his legacy – the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.  

Around 1940, Montgomery decided to join U.S. Army and help his country win World War II; he served as a member of the Flying Hellfish squad, and served under Sgt. Abraham Simpson.  Montgomery did see significant action in the Ardennes during the Battle of the Bulge, but perhaps the most memorable event of his military career actually came after the war was over.  Since Burns was already the richest man in the U.S., President Harry S. Truman hired him to transport a contribution towards Europe’s reconstruction in the form of a trillion-dollar bill.  That token of goodwill never arrived, however, and a cloud of mystery confounded the FBI for years.  It wasn’t until a local yokel (but not THE local yokel) named Homer Simpson went undercover, that they found Burns had kept it for himself.  Although he didn’t need the money, Burns just didn’t want anyone else to have it; he would later lose it to a younger, bearded version of himself - Fidel Castro.      

Despite his advanced age, Burns continues to run his nuclear wasteland of a facility with an iron (and visibly frail) fist.  With the help of his faithful assistant/caretaker/best & only friend Waylon Smithers, Monty oversees all the daily workings of the facility.  He does do a terrible job in this respect, but Burns’ plant manages to survive and thrive through avenues less traveled – bribes, blackmailing, shady business deals, etc.  The stronghold that Burns has built with various investments – which includes Monty Burns Casino, Burns Slant Drilling Co., and Burns Media – will remain bright as well, but the same probably can’t be said for his own future.  It is believed that he has died on multiple occasions, and he also suffers from a rare disease known as ”The Three Stooges Syndrome”.  The presence of this illness means he has every known disease, and unique diseases known only to him; the weird thing is, all of them are attempting to attack his body simultaneously, so they actually cancel each other out.  Mr. Burns believes this diseases has made him immortal, but a doctor was quoted as saying, “The slightest breeze could kill him.”   

There are tons more Mr. Burns-themed clips on Hulu, if you’re interested in that sort of thing…

My biggest problem with television – besides the obvious - is the serious lack of creativity and imagination put forth by the small number of non-reality programs that are currently running.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a number of unique, well-written shows on the air - Fringe, The Office, Breaking Bad, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia come to mind – but for each one of those, there are 30 others like CSI: Location, The Ghost Whisperer, or Law & Order: Some Initials.  Some of my favorite shows (and movies) have made a habit of intentionally poking fun at their own industry – and there is plenty to make fun of at the present time.  This is usually done in one of two ways, (1) by offering a satirical take on current, popular shows, or (2) by offering their own insight into what they believe will be the future of American entertainment.  These spoofs are intended to be far-fetched to the point of absurdity, but I have to say that some of them have all the makings of a quality TV program.  Here are a few great ideas that were initially created in jest, but could be successful if some network is willing to break away from the norm.

Family Guy is one of the wildest, most controversial series on TV right now; this animated show is famous for its cutaways gags and flashbacks, which often feature parodies from a wide variety of topics or current events - and these are jam packed into a 22-minute episode each week.  Over the course of eight seasons, Seth MacFarlane and the gang seemed to have stumbled upon a few great show ideas that TV executives should be taking into consideration…and The Cleveland Show isn’t one of them.  These ideas range across the spectrum too, from reality shows like Fast Animals, Slow Children to hard-hitting cop dramas like Gumbel 2 Gumbel: Beach Justice.  My favorite, however, was once the cornerstone of the PTV (Peter TV) programming block, and a show most guys would probably tune in for – even though it would probably find a home on E! or TMZ:

The Simpson’s staff has employed top notch comedy writers every year over its 20 year history (just saying that makes me feel old), and their creativity is unparalleled in the world of fake television programming.  As a family that spends a majority of their time in front of the boob tube, the Simpsons have witnessed countless faux shows come and go  – Knightboat (like Knight Rider, but with a boat), The Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour, Tied to a Bear, and When Buildings Collapse, are just a few of the classics that I can remember.  In my opinion, the show-within-a-show that has the most potential for real TV success is the sadistic cartoon duo known as Itchy & Scratchy.  Yes, I realize they may be a little bit too violent for young children; but if I had kids, I would rather them watch Itchy & Scratchy than some Sponge in khaki shorts and a tie, or a foursome of colorful aliens who speak gibberish and put out that extra-terrestrial pedophile vibe:  

Reality shows wore out their welcome a long time ago, because most of the ideas for shows keep getting worse as opposed to better.  As a matter of fact, reality appears to be the farthest thing from the minds of those who create these shows anymore – for instance, who dates in the dark or signs up for an STD?  You hardly ever see legitimate issues being tackled on these shows (even The Real World is anything but real); our economy is spiraling down the rabbit hole, crime is on the up, and prisons all across the world are overcrowded.  I can hear you now, “But Silky, what kind of reality show could possibly cure any of our societal ills?”  Well, I have three words for all of you naysayers – The Running Man.  Why let prisoners on death row live the good life behind bars, when they could be forced to participate in a survivor-style death match on live television for all the world to see?   

The Simpsons debuted on The Tracey Ullman Show way back in 1987; after only three sketches, it was picked up by Fox and turned into a half-hour primetime show.  Many people wrote the show off in its infancy, but twenty years and 24 Emmy Awards later, The Simpsons is on its way to becoming the longest running primetime show in TV history.  Although, the show has fallen off in recent years (and that’s coming from one of its biggest fans), it doesn’t detract from the many laughs that have been provided by America’s first animated family.

“Mr. Plow” (Click play button, close stupid IQ Test or Make Money on Google pop-up, then hit green play button):

“El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer”:       

 ”I’m Goin to Praiseland”: