Here are some more quotes from the best-selling Book of all-time, and my twisted take on their intended meanings (Part I once was lost, but can now be found here).

Quote #3: “But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.”

Translation: Use the hand that God gave you to red touch some poor bastard like a child molester with poison ivy on Mother Fun and Her Four Fun Fingers; and after you make like a Catholic priest, the molestee will cuss you like a Catholic hitting a closed liquor store on the way to Midnight Mass.

Analyzation: I guess they had the Biblical version of Chris Hanson and To Catch a Predator, because this sounds like a sting operation to me.  Maybe it was called To Shackle the Unholy, and was hosted by the Apostle Entrapment.  These Biblicaphiles should have known something was up the minute they jumped onto their mule to head to town.  No descendant of the co-conspirator to the great Apple Eat Off In the Jungle would request overly fruity wine, an ounce of donkey snot, and some papyrus with pictures of detunic’d followers of the Word.  I bet Father Pete O’Phelia made sure all his altar boys lived by the virtue of these words.  This damn line seems to be saying you can jerk off guys at the the direction of God, and merely receive a cussing in return.  There apparently was no sex offender registry back then.  Maybe they had a “Recently Cussed List” posted all over hamlets to and fro throughout the Earth.

Quote #4: “After God (or Satan) kills Job’s first set of kids, he is given an even better set – with even prettier daughters!”

Translation: “After God (or Satan) kills Job’s first set of kids, he is given an even better set – with even prettier daughters!”

Analyzation: This nail wasn’t too hard to pull from the cross.  Sometimes murders do giveth and taketh away.  There were two main suspects in the murder of Job’s “first set of kids”, but there wasn’t enough evidence to charge either God or Satan.  I guess God and Satan take into account the appearance of a kid – or set of kids – before they afflict them with a disease, strike them with lightning, or have them freakishly stabbed in the heart with a crucifix by the Crucifix Searcher.  It is good to know that the alleged two most powerful beings in the sky like to break out a little Vulcan Death Pinch on an unsuspecting group of young ‘uns.  If you thought all the “be good for goodness sake” and Santa Claus shit kept your yutes in line, imagine if you told them, “Be good for your life’s sake, because if thou isn’t, you will be killed and replaced with new and improved models.”

Well, that is all I can do for now, because a guy that hired me expects me to be prepared for his trial on Friday.  “Innocent this, innocent that.  I didn’t do this, I might have done that.”  Having a license to do shit isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; because if you’re paid to do something, you have to actually do it.  Sometimes my Job can be stressful.  However, as long as I remember to walk upright, I should keep my suit from getting holes in the knees and being covered in dirt.  Being an erectus heterosexual is half the battle.  And with that, I’ll leave you with a biblically-related word and definition.

Sac-Religious: The act of praying to God you will not be hit in the sack by some foreign object, appendage, or piece of sports equipment that is seemingly headed towards your groin area. 

I began researching a little ditty unlike anything Jack or Diane thought up in the heartland called “God v. The Yankees”.  Like most things I proliferate, I come up with the gist, slap a title on it and allow the dane bramaged surmisings to flow freer than urine from a freshly catheterized geezer.  In this case, I had to do more research than normal because I know less about the Bible than Quantum Physics or Quantum Leap.  I’ve never had the religious equivalent of the Encyclopedia Britannica’s Greatest Hits shoved down my throat.  I’ve never had a Jesusectomy I guess you could say.  Maybe “speaking in tongues” was the Biblical way of describing someone who spoke with an electro larynx like Ned from South Park?  I imagine some poor tunic, sandal and sash-wearin bastard who smoked too much Franken Since laced with Myrrh who had Adam’s apple removed would have to use a freshly caught, still flipping and flopping fish to express their love for the lord.

Anyway, while attempting to research whatever this Book said happened, but didn’t really go down, I quickly noticed that – before I could express my reasons as to why the NY Yankees would beat God and his 8 position players in a best-of-seven series – I really needed to point out of how fucking weird God/Jesus/Jeebus talked.  So with that being said, let’s get onto some Bible quotes, and my interpretations that will allegedly cause me to be rotisserie grilled for all eternity.  I guess Satan is a lot like Ron Popeil with that goddamn Showtime Rotisserie Oven (Who would’ve thought slowly giving a piece of meat vertigo would be so tasty?).  He’ll just set you, and forget you.

Quote #1:  “There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.”

Translation:  There was a dude from that joint with the wonderful wizard, and he was the first guy to ever mass produce rolling papers.  He could roll a perfectly symmetrical joint and didn’t have a caveman too close to his woodpile.  Job was scared as hell of anyone who told him what to do.  He also liked cashews and Twizzlers.

Analyzation:  Have you ever seen a place called Uz on the map?  If so, are there natural hot springs of licorice-flavored water found on this land?  Only a person who was stoned at the time of their child’s birth would name them Job.  This would be in homage to their favorite rolling paper of choice and to something they didn’t have.  Jamaicans don’t even name their kids Job - it would make sense if they had twins though, because then they could say, “I got two Jobs mon!”  I thought the whole story behind most of whatever is in there is that nobody is perfect.  Since they described the Doobie Brothers as perfect and upright, doesn’t that implicitly mean there were imperfect, horizontal folks in existence?  And what’s the deal with fearing God?  If he is the almighty, benevolent Kingdingaling, why in the hell should we all take off running like the Japanese at the first sight of Godzirra?  It’s like the philosophy is, “This shit went down like I said it did, and if you don’t believe me I’m going to beat the BeJesus out of you.”  It’s great that he had nothing to with evil.  You’d expect as much from the non-crawling embodiment of perfection.

Quote #2: “And the LORD said unto Satan, ’Whence comest thou?’  Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, ‘From going to and fro in the Earth, and from walking up and down it.”

Translation:  Jesus or his daddy asked the biggest badass on the block where he was coming from when he rolled up in their celestial crib.  Satan aka Lucifer or Beetlejuice, told them that he had been parlayin’ and runnin’ thangs while on vacation.  Then Beetlejuice said his feet hurt from all the walking.

Analyzation:  Whoever Doled this shit out must have eaten some bad pineapple.  I don’t even write shit that’s this hard to handle.  You’d need to know Sanskrit, Ebonics, and a touch of Klingon to understand what whoever meant by this.  Apparently whoever was a big fan of the HNIC – Head Noble in Charge – because they felt felt the need to use the quill plucked from a pterodactyl wing to get the biggest and boldest effect.  I particularly enjoy the “to and fro” part.  It implies that whoever went to the barber shop and decided that instead of getting a mow, they would just let their wig go all natural[1].  I guess people stepped in shit in biblical times too, because other than mud or snow, you don’t talk about walking up and down in anything.  Maybe Satan’s Biblicalstocks had turd residue all over them, and the LORD smelled it; he then asked what part of hell he had been in, and why his feet smelled like shit.