I was flipping through the channels as I was trying to decide whether to continue preparing for the trial I have on Friday, or just screw off like the top to a 1.5 liter bottle of the classiest wine Riunite has to offer - even after the increase in smoke and swill taxes, Riunite is still more affordable than paying attention.  The only real problem with buying Riunite is having to look the clerk in the eyes when you’re checking out.  Whatever that purple flavor they have isn’t all that bad – my mother guzzles it whenever she is in the general vicinity.  It’s refreshingly sweet, with a hint of carbonation; but it is subtle and less puke-inducing than Mad Dog 20/20 - which contrary to popular belief, does not help your eyesight.

Getting back to what I intended to theorize on, while flipping through my choices, I noticed something called Mother, Jugs, and Speed was coming on Channel 168.  Surprisingly, the name of Channel 168 – which upon second glance does not appear to be affiliated with any numerically named sexual position – is RETRO and not something like LUVSAC, STAFF, or HOLE.  Mother, Jugs, and Speed sounds like a movie about busty MILF’s who either have a meth problem, or drive NASCAR.  It’s hard to keep scrolling through your choices when you see a title like this on a non-credit card requiring channel.  It sounds like a movie that you’d be concerned about both stopping on, and hitting the info button when your significant other is in the room – that is, unless of course she has $14.99 plus tax left on the credit limit of her MasterCard.  As for what the movie is actually about, I hit the info button and was told that none other than Heathcliff Huxtable was in this story “about an unlikely trio of paramedics employed by a private ambulance service.”  They should have called it Mother, Jell-O Pudding, and Speed if the voice of Fat Albert was going to be in it.  Hey, hey, here is something that would be fun to watch: Fat Albert in an adult movie.  There would be more bouncin’ than a trampoline expo – you think Mushmouth would take off his hat when it got down to the nitty gritty?

Soul Player was on Channel 144 VHISO.  I am guessing this is a show about a ghost-like entity who has a strong pimp hand.  I find this an odd show to be on a channel which appears to be named after either a saline solution, a black market cellular service provider, or that less filling soup you get at most sushi joints.

Something called Pucca comes on channel 135 DISXD.  To be honest, I have no idea what or who a Pucca is – unless the show is about one of those sweet necklaces I used to wear back in the day.  I’ve only got 30 minutes to figure it out, however, because Yin Yang Yo! comes on next.  I find it hard to believe that something on an alleged youth network would be named after the way a honky pretends to rap in Chinese, but it appears as though it has occurred.  And if I don’t want to watch Pucca, I could change the channel to 131 NOG and watch Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!  Honestly, I think the name of this show sounds like what a Teletubby would say before having an orgasm, but this is apparently a children’s channel as well.  On a side note, I think there was a fetish film shot in Miami entitled Sham Wow! Wow! You Bit Me!  I think it will be interesting to see once it comes out; can a Sham Wow soak up all the blood, and make teeth marks disappear after you’ve been bitten by an apparently rabid hooker? 

Well, I’m going to have to let you go because I don’t know how to work my MVR, CVS, ATV or whatever the hell the recording feature on this contraption is called - plus, I want to be able to divert my full attention to Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!

It’s time once again to channel surf the DirecTV Digital wave, and carve the barrel of my gnarly associative powers:

Channel 507, HBOFE: Robin Hood – A touching story about a young black male from the mean streets of Compton who aspires to be a famous ballet dancer (from the creators of Step Up I & II, You Got Served, Stomp the Yard, Bring It On, Bring It On Again, Bring It On: All or Nothing, Bring It On: In It to Win It, Bring It On: Fight to the Finish...how many of these fuckin movies are there?!?)

Channel 503, HBO Signature: Boomerang – A documentary formerly titled “What Goes Around Comes Around,” which talks about the use of STD’s to stop promiscuity amongst teens in wealthy neighborhoods.

Channel 509, HBO Zone: Wisegirls – A porno about librarians.

Channel 515, Max East (the hip new name for Cinemax): Cast Away – A documentary short film on socks that are used as masturbatory receptacles by teenage boys.

Channel 549, Showtime Extreme (I guess this channel is now funded by the people who brought you Mountain Dew): Flashbacks of a Fool – The charming, yet alarming tale that follows the life of a retard after years of LSD abuse.

Channel 550, Showtime Beyond: Death by Engagement – an exposé on the high suicide rate amongst engaged males who have married friends.

Channel 556, The Movie Channel: Tyler Perry’s The Family That… – Some stupid and covertly racist movie involving some unrealistic family shit.  It’s made by that fucking egomaniac who seems to be really famous all of a sudden, even though no one understands why.

Channel 370, EWTN: Life on the Rock – A news magazine show that gives viewers a sneak peek into the most hip, and hottest urban places to smoke crack – or the biography of Tyrone Biggums.

Channel 338, Gospel Music Channel: Amen – A pornographic film about gay Eyetalian men who all talk like the Fonz.

Channel 559, IFC: The Handmaid’s Tale – A tragic story about a woman who gave the best hand jobs in the Northeast, but eventually lost all use of her right arm due to a nasty case of ejaculator’s elbow.

Channel 333, MTV2: TXTO URB – Who the fuck knows?  This might be a show hosted by Devo, an infomercial with a British host who talks about some shit that cleans everything, or some kind of genetically engineered plant used to spice foods that you can also smoke.  One thing I do know, if it’s on MTV, it has absolutely nothing to do with music.

Channel 300, Nickelodeon West: George Lopez – A wuss sitcom based on the unhilarious stylings of a guy who has only gotten by because he has continuously played the South of The Border card.  What self-respecting comedian has a fucking show on any version of Nickelodeon anyway?  They slime everybody, and even Gallagher didn’t even fall prey to that shit.

Channel 301, Nick Jr.: Ni Hao, Kai-Lan – A channel devoted to the study of seizure medications and treatments, through the use of annoying Japanese anime cartoons with excessive strobe lights.

Channel 290, Discovery East: Big, Bigger, Biggest – A show about a reputable and highly-respected penisologist, and her attempts to both encounter and preserve live specimens in their natural habitat.

Channel 253, Lifetime Movie Network: Lies He Told – A short biography that revolves around some chick who reminisces about a recent trip to her local night club – she also references the research being done by the doctor who stars on Big, Bigger, Biggest…

Like an oil conglomerate’s head honcho finishing last in a yacht race, I’ve bitched and moaned about the “one infrared beam” fits-all remote I apparently wanted and received for the most insightful of all hippie’s DOB.  Whether you recall or recan’t, I laminated the fact I was given a piece of technology in the spirit of facilitation, but was ultimately subjected to it thwarting my television viewing enjoyment.  Combining stuff into one centralized thing seems good – like squishing two huge boobs into one, in order to insure maximum playability – but it don’t always work out that way.  This remote is like the Tranny of remote technology.  It has all the parts.  It looks ordinary at first, but then becomes scary due to its ability to “all-in-one” it up.  Every time I try to change the fucking channel, the microwave starts popping a sack of Orville’s finest and the refrigerator takes a leak.  Technology.  Is there anything it can’t make harder?

To further frustrate the few moments of non-work related activity I have had as of current – fyi, don’t ever fucking schedule a trial near your son’s birthday, which is right before a social worker is going to scope out your home for the potential purchasing of childrens – the sound bar I also did not know I wanted but received during the same seasonal customary exchange of baubles blew its equivalent of a nut string during a power outage three days past.  The local media and people unable to face the fact they need to lay off the book referred to it as a “Brownout”.  I don’t particularly dig this term, because it sounds like a term for the results of an unsuccessful colonoscopy.  Of concourse, it could also mean the dude with the beagle just fell narcolepsied out.  When the juice came back on, it overpowered my speaker bar.  Fried it.  I used all the technologically ignorant tricks I knew to repair it – unplugging, off and oning, cussing and beating – and it went nowhere.  When I came to grips with the fact that the sound bar would be closed, until someone from Best Buy’s nerdery was able to poindexter on over, I attempted what I thought was a rational move.  Hold your toke hear people.  Add that orchestra jingle that signifies groundbreaking movements.  I manually manipulated the volume button!  A blue box popped up, and said such a move was “not available”.  Basically, my TV blue box blocked my attempt to hear what my eyes were telling me.

So, I’ve been sitting here for two days changing channels, and going through the television garden with no sound whatsoever.  I’ve discovered that movies I thought were stupid with sound are even more fucking stupid without it.  Now, that may be because I’m goddamn dumb enough to watch TV without sound or, at the very least, subtitles.  Whichever leaves more pegs on the Cracker Barrel triangle, I am going to surmise what may or may not be on the following channels that I’m currently banned from audibly enjoying:

431 WSIL, Jimmy Kimmel Live – Even more unfunny when you can’t hear it.

424 DSCHD, Deadliest Catch - Documentary on piranha noodlers.

420 USAHD, Royal Pains – A look at the most strategically timed farts in the history the British Monarchy.

411 PLDHD, SoulStage – Live streaming video from the Don Cornelius Theatre Company.  Tonight’s presentation, An Afro and a Nubian.

407 TNTHD, CSI:NY – W.T.F.?

419 STZHD, 40 Days and 40 Nights – A movie about the drinking habits of the people who live in Compton.

416 HBOHD, GasLand -  Beano’s attempt at using propaganda to further its anti-flatulence agenda a la Reefer Madness.

417 MAXHD, Heaven’s Prisoners -  A show filmed entirely with a hidden camera during Midnight Mass at a local Mary Mart.

177 TVGN, The Object of My Affection – Formerly known as Masturbators Weekly.  This week’s episode discusses the pros and cons of wrist braces, and the best methods for shaving your palms with limited vision.

233 WPSDR, Paid Programming – Stories about people who lost their lives trying to set up a universal remote.

147 GAC,  Drafting Partners – An expose of how Mormons pick their 4^th through 10 wives.  Gertie Mehelgahay was this year’s No. 1 Polygamy Pick.

132 NICK2, George Lopez -  Hispanic this.  Unfunny Hispanic that.  Yeah we fucking get it, you’re Mexican.  Those indiscriminating chuckle fucks Bob & Tom are partly to blame for this unfunnychanga’s rise to fame.

152 ENCA, Safari 3000 -  Two nerdy robots riding in the back of a sport utility vehicle through the planes of Africa, bantering about in a language that only basement dwellers and Comic-Con regulars understand.

432 WPSDD, Last Call with Carson Daly – Much like this guy’s fame, reasons for success and apparent appeal to anyone who is not a 13 year-old girl, I haven’t a fucking clue.  I don’t think Ryan Seacrest gets it either.

47 Syfy, Highlander – A sitcom based on the hilarity that ensues after the purchase of one of those Weird U. V.’s made by Toyota.

99 VH1, You’re Cut Off! – A look at bits, and more specifically piece(s), of the life and times of John Wayne Bobbit.

243 EWTN, Life on the Rock – An examination of a particularly scorching case of herpes that almost caused Dwayne Johnson to pull out of the championship title bout at WrestleMania 82.  Or, the biography of Tyrone Biggums.

You should know the drill by now, and if you don’t, as a young Snoop Dogg once said: “Ya betta ask somebody“:

Channel 2: Public Access Programming - Something a GPS unit could do for you without having to watch it on cable. 

Channel 17: Time Team America - A group of Americans who have to build a clock before a group of Swiss citizens.  The victor gets…well, nothing but a really-fastly built watch.

Channel 29: Diamonique Jewelry - A show about a girl in the projects, and all of the accessories she wears.

Channel 43: BET Awards – A show about multi-racial, ethnic and cultural gamblers receiving recognition for their various exploits during the previous year. 

Channel 51: Her Perfect Spouse - This show is just a goddamn lie, because we all know “Hers” don’t believe that such a thing exists.

Channel 64: Fanarchy - A show about the dangers of buying a “smart” ceiling fan and how they could take over the planet - a la the cyborgs from Terminator - one bad hair cut and head injury at a time.

Channel 74: Mermaids - A show about men who clean houses for a living.

Channel 88: Futurama - A show about flea markets, a/k/a dirt malls, in the future.

Channel 99: Prenup Challenge - A show about rich guys trying to see who can get their lawyer to draw up a document screwing their 6th or greater wife out of any inheritance, and keeping her on a tight budget in exchange for plastic surgery.

I’ve got more, but this thing goes up to 800-something and I’m about an hour and a half past rackthirty…