In the same vein as Die Hards 2 through 4, Fletch Lives, Speed 2 and the Look Who’s Talking franchise, I’m simply going to rehash something I’ve done before and flog it like it’s something completely different.  So, with only the shows that are on today as opposed to the last time being the major difference, it is time to play Channel Association Redux.  Tonight’s contestant is the same idiot who played last night.  And now, let’s start the game shall we?  With me as always is the beautiful Trish, who will smile awkwardly in a very tight bedazzled dress that accents her large implants…and we’re off.

Channel 149:  The Power of One – A riveting sports documentary that tells the story of how one avid sports fan turned his embarrassingly enormous right hand into a fortune with the invention of his patented foam finger.

Channel 152:  Music Videos - A channel dedicated to old-time classic footage, which was taken from ancient music channels that actually once showed music videos as opposed to shitty reality shows.

Channel 157:  Clean House – The highly-anticipated sequel to Roadhouse, only Dalton has now developed obsessive compulsive disorder.  So this time around he’s a neat freak, who must battle a rich slob for control of a small town that’s filled with germs and dust.

Channel 165:  What Darwin Didn’t Know – A documentary about how pissed off Charles Darwin would be if he knew that his theory of evolution would someday be simplified down to a fish symbol on the back of believers’ cars, or non-believers, however you wanna look at it.

Channel 170:  Deliver Me - A hot new reality show where contestants try to see who can ship a midget across the country cheapest and fastest using the USPS, DHL, UPS, or FedEx.

Channel 172:  Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius –  A detailed history of masturbation and the man who first discussed it openly.  He was also a pioneer in lubricants, Kleenex, and the use of the other hand.

Channel 179:  Mission: Impossible III – A threequel to the documentary that won the coveted Tub of Buttered Popcorn Award at the Sundance Film Festival. This edition documents the struggles, injuries, trips to the ER, and ultimate triumph of the five man team that used to have to get Aretha Franklin into a girdle night in and night out when she was out on tour.

Channel 187:  Deadliest Catch - Chronicles the struggles of those living with HIV and AIDS.  This documentary looks at how they caught these diseases, and asks them whether or not they believe “Magic Johnson’s johnson is actually magic.”  In case you forgot, he allegedly contracted HIV, but has only gained muscle, more fame, money, and the privilege of reminding people he existed.  As far as I know, he’s still beating the disease like it’s a dead Mr. Ed.

I was flipping through the channels as I was trying to decide whether to continue preparing for the trial I have on Friday, or just screw off like the top to a 1.5 liter bottle of the classiest wine Riunite has to offer - even after the increase in smoke and swill taxes, Riunite is still more affordable than paying attention.  The only real problem with buying Riunite is having to look the clerk in the eyes when you’re checking out.  Whatever that purple flavor they have isn’t all that bad – my mother guzzles it whenever she is in the general vicinity.  It’s refreshingly sweet, with a hint of carbonation; but it is subtle and less puke-inducing than Mad Dog 20/20 - which contrary to popular belief, does not help your eyesight.

Getting back to what I intended to theorize on, while flipping through my choices, I noticed something called Mother, Jugs, and Speed was coming on Channel 168.  Surprisingly, the name of Channel 168 – which upon second glance does not appear to be affiliated with any numerically named sexual position – is RETRO and not something like LUVSAC, STAFF, or HOLE.  Mother, Jugs, and Speed sounds like a movie about busty MILF’s who either have a meth problem, or drive NASCAR.  It’s hard to keep scrolling through your choices when you see a title like this on a non-credit card requiring channel.  It sounds like a movie that you’d be concerned about both stopping on, and hitting the info button when your significant other is in the room – that is, unless of course she has $14.99 plus tax left on the credit limit of her MasterCard.  As for what the movie is actually about, I hit the info button and was told that none other than Heathcliff Huxtable was in this story “about an unlikely trio of paramedics employed by a private ambulance service.”  They should have called it Mother, Jell-O Pudding, and Speed if the voice of Fat Albert was going to be in it.  Hey, hey, here is something that would be fun to watch: Fat Albert in an adult movie.  There would be more bouncin’ than a trampoline expo – you think Mushmouth would take off his hat when it got down to the nitty gritty?

Soul Player was on Channel 144 VHISO.  I am guessing this is a show about a ghost-like entity who has a strong pimp hand.  I find this an odd show to be on a channel which appears to be named after either a saline solution, a black market cellular service provider, or that less filling soup you get at most sushi joints.

Something called Pucca comes on channel 135 DISXD.  To be honest, I have no idea what or who a Pucca is – unless the show is about one of those sweet necklaces I used to wear back in the day.  I’ve only got 30 minutes to figure it out, however, because Yin Yang Yo! comes on next.  I find it hard to believe that something on an alleged youth network would be named after the way a honky pretends to rap in Chinese, but it appears as though it has occurred.  And if I don’t want to watch Pucca, I could change the channel to 131 NOG and watch Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!  Honestly, I think the name of this show sounds like what a Teletubby would say before having an orgasm, but this is apparently a children’s channel as well.  On a side note, I think there was a fetish film shot in Miami entitled Sham Wow! Wow! You Bit Me!  I think it will be interesting to see once it comes out; can a Sham Wow soak up all the blood, and make teeth marks disappear after you’ve been bitten by an apparently rabid hooker? 

Well, I’m going to have to let you go because I don’t know how to work my MVR, CVS, ATV or whatever the hell the recording feature on this contraption is called - plus, I want to be able to divert my full attention to Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!

I recently came up with a couple of new game shows that I think have a lot of promise, and would like to pitch one of them to you this morning.  The first show idea would be titled Crotch Kicks for Cash (Which is not to be confused with that one clown’s show, Kicked in the Nuts).  Let’s face it, everyone loves a well placed shot to the cods, especially when it is on film and their jubilees aren’t the ones being jubileed.  The hidden camera views aren’t bad because you’re nervous and anxious, while trying both to spot the unsuspecting crotch and the angle from which the offending object will come.  Then, out of nowhere, it happens and you get a good chuckle whether you saw it coming or not.  If you were to then put that footage in slow motion, you will be able to see priceless facial gestures and the too-late-to-stop-it futile reaction of the crotch shotee.  If the record reversing, slow motion voice feature can be added to the “Oh No!” with loud crashing sounds effects once the crotch is assaulted, yuks will be had by many.

While that is all and good, Crotch Kicks for Cash will be the real hit of next season’s degradation TV schedule for one main reason: contestants will be made aware of the gonard crunching well before the first ball is ever busted.  Oh yeah, there will be no secrecy to this game.  The contestants will agree to take shots to the crotch for increasing amounts of money.  Let’s say, for like $2500, you have to take a kick to the crotch from a strong three year-old, the prosthetic leg of a French mine victim, and a Polio sufferer.  The next level would be $5000, and you would get your pistachios pinched by a high school level kicker/punter, a Jackie Chan impersonator, and a girl from a chorus line.  Reaching the $10K level would bring in the heavy footers.  In this round you’d be spreadin’ your legs, closin’ your eyes and waitin’ for the below the belt lead foot from the likes of Morten Andersen, a semi-retired Pele, the real Jackie Chan, and an angry Elaine Chow - Margaret Cho could be substituted for Elaine Chow if she’s too highfalutin, being a former Labor Secretary and all.

Bustin’ Biscuits (my second choice for the show’s title) could make a ton of dough, based on the number of people who want to quit taking symbolic crotch kicks.  Why not put your Mary Kate and Ashley’s out on the line for some money, instead of a feeling of innate wussness?  I realize the sacktasticness of the Nielsen Ratings could ultimately come down to the level of stardom of the crotch kickers, and/or the dollar amounts involved.  So to spice things up, maybe there could also be celebrity versions in the name of charity.  You could have Angelina Jolie kicking Justin Bieber in his bags to help sack-out urinary tract infections.  Your promotional advertising flyers could be “scratch and shift” stickers.  The MLB would surely go balls to the wall and contribute some type of corporate sponsorship, too.  Cup manufacturers from across the country would be vying to have some kind of  disclaimer before the show like, “Don’t try this at home…unless you’re wearing a Nuclear Nads protective device!”  I can just hear their slogan running during commercial breaks now: “Whenever you’re worried about your nads exploding, just remember to go Nuclear!”

It’s time once again to channel surf the DirecTV Digital wave, and carve the barrel of my gnarly associative powers:

Channel 507, HBOFE: Robin Hood – A touching story about a young black male from the mean streets of Compton who aspires to be a famous ballet dancer (from the creators of Step Up I & II, You Got Served, Stomp the Yard, Bring It On, Bring It On Again, Bring It On: All or Nothing, Bring It On: In It to Win It, Bring It On: Fight to the Finish...how many of these fuckin movies are there?!?)

Channel 503, HBO Signature: Boomerang – A documentary formerly titled “What Goes Around Comes Around,” which talks about the use of STD’s to stop promiscuity amongst teens in wealthy neighborhoods.

Channel 509, HBO Zone: Wisegirls – A porno about librarians.

Channel 515, Max East (the hip new name for Cinemax): Cast Away – A documentary short film on socks that are used as masturbatory receptacles by teenage boys.

Channel 549, Showtime Extreme (I guess this channel is now funded by the people who brought you Mountain Dew): Flashbacks of a Fool – The charming, yet alarming tale that follows the life of a retard after years of LSD abuse.

Channel 550, Showtime Beyond: Death by Engagement – an exposé on the high suicide rate amongst engaged males who have married friends.

Channel 556, The Movie Channel: Tyler Perry’s The Family That… – Some stupid and covertly racist movie involving some unrealistic family shit.  It’s made by that fucking egomaniac who seems to be really famous all of a sudden, even though no one understands why.

Channel 370, EWTN: Life on the Rock – A news magazine show that gives viewers a sneak peek into the most hip, and hottest urban places to smoke crack – or the biography of Tyrone Biggums.

Channel 338, Gospel Music Channel: Amen – A pornographic film about gay Eyetalian men who all talk like the Fonz.

Channel 559, IFC: The Handmaid’s Tale – A tragic story about a woman who gave the best hand jobs in the Northeast, but eventually lost all use of her right arm due to a nasty case of ejaculator’s elbow.

Channel 333, MTV2: TXTO URB – Who the fuck knows?  This might be a show hosted by Devo, an infomercial with a British host who talks about some shit that cleans everything, or some kind of genetically engineered plant used to spice foods that you can also smoke.  One thing I do know, if it’s on MTV, it has absolutely nothing to do with music.

Channel 300, Nickelodeon West: George Lopez – A wuss sitcom based on the unhilarious stylings of a guy who has only gotten by because he has continuously played the South of The Border card.  What self-respecting comedian has a fucking show on any version of Nickelodeon anyway?  They slime everybody, and even Gallagher didn’t even fall prey to that shit.

Channel 301, Nick Jr.: Ni Hao, Kai-Lan – A channel devoted to the study of seizure medications and treatments, through the use of annoying Japanese anime cartoons with excessive strobe lights.

Channel 290, Discovery East: Big, Bigger, Biggest – A show about a reputable and highly-respected penisologist, and her attempts to both encounter and preserve live specimens in their natural habitat.

Channel 253, Lifetime Movie Network: Lies He Told – A short biography that revolves around some chick who reminisces about a recent trip to her local night club – she also references the research being done by the doctor who stars on Big, Bigger, Biggest…

Like an oil conglomerate’s head honcho finishing last in a yacht race, I’ve bitched and moaned about the “one infrared beam” fits-all remote I apparently wanted and received for the most insightful of all hippie’s DOB.  Whether you recall or recan’t, I laminated the fact I was given a piece of technology in the spirit of facilitation, but was ultimately subjected to it thwarting my television viewing enjoyment.  Combining stuff into one centralized thing seems good – like squishing two huge boobs into one, in order to insure maximum playability – but it don’t always work out that way.  This remote is like the Tranny of remote technology.  It has all the parts.  It looks ordinary at first, but then becomes scary due to its ability to “all-in-one” it up.  Every time I try to change the fucking channel, the microwave starts popping a sack of Orville’s finest and the refrigerator takes a leak.  Technology.  Is there anything it can’t make harder?

To further frustrate the few moments of non-work related activity I have had as of current – fyi, don’t ever fucking schedule a trial near your son’s birthday, which is right before a social worker is going to scope out your home for the potential purchasing of childrens – the sound bar I also did not know I wanted but received during the same seasonal customary exchange of baubles blew its equivalent of a nut string during a power outage three days past.  The local media and people unable to face the fact they need to lay off the book referred to it as a “Brownout”.  I don’t particularly dig this term, because it sounds like a term for the results of an unsuccessful colonoscopy.  Of concourse, it could also mean the dude with the beagle just fell narcolepsied out.  When the juice came back on, it overpowered my speaker bar.  Fried it.  I used all the technologically ignorant tricks I knew to repair it – unplugging, off and oning, cussing and beating – and it went nowhere.  When I came to grips with the fact that the sound bar would be closed, until someone from Best Buy’s nerdery was able to poindexter on over, I attempted what I thought was a rational move.  Hold your toke hear people.  Add that orchestra jingle that signifies groundbreaking movements.  I manually manipulated the volume button!  A blue box popped up, and said such a move was “not available”.  Basically, my TV blue box blocked my attempt to hear what my eyes were telling me.

So, I’ve been sitting here for two days changing channels, and going through the television garden with no sound whatsoever.  I’ve discovered that movies I thought were stupid with sound are even more fucking stupid without it.  Now, that may be because I’m goddamn dumb enough to watch TV without sound or, at the very least, subtitles.  Whichever leaves more pegs on the Cracker Barrel triangle, I am going to surmise what may or may not be on the following channels that I’m currently banned from audibly enjoying:

431 WSIL, Jimmy Kimmel Live – Even more unfunny when you can’t hear it.

424 DSCHD, Deadliest Catch - Documentary on piranha noodlers.

420 USAHD, Royal Pains – A look at the most strategically timed farts in the history the British Monarchy.

411 PLDHD, SoulStage – Live streaming video from the Don Cornelius Theatre Company.  Tonight’s presentation, An Afro and a Nubian.

407 TNTHD, CSI:NY – W.T.F.?

419 STZHD, 40 Days and 40 Nights – A movie about the drinking habits of the people who live in Compton.

416 HBOHD, GasLand -  Beano’s attempt at using propaganda to further its anti-flatulence agenda a la Reefer Madness.

417 MAXHD, Heaven’s Prisoners -  A show filmed entirely with a hidden camera during Midnight Mass at a local Mary Mart.

177 TVGN, The Object of My Affection – Formerly known as Masturbators Weekly.  This week’s episode discusses the pros and cons of wrist braces, and the best methods for shaving your palms with limited vision.

233 WPSDR, Paid Programming – Stories about people who lost their lives trying to set up a universal remote.

147 GAC,  Drafting Partners – An expose of how Mormons pick their 4^th through 10 wives.  Gertie Mehelgahay was this year’s No. 1 Polygamy Pick.

132 NICK2, George Lopez -  Hispanic this.  Unfunny Hispanic that.  Yeah we fucking get it, you’re Mexican.  Those indiscriminating chuckle fucks Bob & Tom are partly to blame for this unfunnychanga’s rise to fame.

152 ENCA, Safari 3000 -  Two nerdy robots riding in the back of a sport utility vehicle through the planes of Africa, bantering about in a language that only basement dwellers and Comic-Con regulars understand.

432 WPSDD, Last Call with Carson Daly – Much like this guy’s fame, reasons for success and apparent appeal to anyone who is not a 13 year-old girl, I haven’t a fucking clue.  I don’t think Ryan Seacrest gets it either.

47 Syfy, Highlander – A sitcom based on the hilarity that ensues after the purchase of one of those Weird U. V.’s made by Toyota.

99 VH1, You’re Cut Off! – A look at bits, and more specifically piece(s), of the life and times of John Wayne Bobbit.

243 EWTN, Life on the Rock – An examination of a particularly scorching case of herpes that almost caused Dwayne Johnson to pull out of the championship title bout at WrestleMania 82.  Or, the biography of Tyrone Biggums.

You should know the drill by now, and if you don’t, as a young Snoop Dogg once said: “Ya betta ask somebody“:

Channel 2: Public Access Programming - Something a GPS unit could do for you without having to watch it on cable. 

Channel 17: Time Team America - A group of Americans who have to build a clock before a group of Swiss citizens.  The victor gets…well, nothing but a really-fastly built watch.

Channel 29: Diamonique Jewelry - A show about a girl in the projects, and all of the accessories she wears.

Channel 43: BET Awards – A show about multi-racial, ethnic and cultural gamblers receiving recognition for their various exploits during the previous year. 

Channel 51: Her Perfect Spouse - This show is just a goddamn lie, because we all know “Hers” don’t believe that such a thing exists.

Channel 64: Fanarchy - A show about the dangers of buying a “smart” ceiling fan and how they could take over the planet - a la the cyborgs from Terminator - one bad hair cut and head injury at a time.

Channel 74: Mermaids - A show about men who clean houses for a living.

Channel 88: Futurama - A show about flea markets, a/k/a dirt malls, in the future.

Channel 99: Prenup Challenge - A show about rich guys trying to see who can get their lawyer to draw up a document screwing their 6th or greater wife out of any inheritance, and keeping her on a tight budget in exchange for plastic surgery.

I’ve got more, but this thing goes up to 800-something and I’m about an hour and a half past rackthirty…

I did the Wii Active tonight for the first time in a while to try and get back on the stick - in terms of losing that menacing 4 pounds, and getting under 200lbs again.  Let me be the first to tell you, that is the proverbial mofo.  I just don’t feel right playing a video game to exercise anyway; it makes you feel like you just put a quarter in Galaga Pump, Donkey Kongsize, or Pongaerobics.  After I was defeated by my virtual workout, it was time to lounge on the couch, watch some tube, and play every couch potato’s favorite game – Channel Association: 

Channel 5:  Fandango – A reality show where fans of Dancing With The Stars dance the Tango with themselves for cash, prizes, and the opportunity to be made fun of by millions of viewers at home.

Channel 9:  Bye, Bye, Love – An in-depth look at how an acquired stutter caused the break up of The Everly Brothers Band.  The viewer will walk away with the knowledge that a speech impediment can cost you lots of money, and even family.  Whereas the family p-p-part is e-e-easy to get-t-t ov-v-ver, b-b-but losin’ money don’t g-g-get easy for anybo-bo-body.

Channel 17:  Catch 21 - A game show where the contestants are given two options on how to win money, and one almost puts them in just as bad a situation as the other - but not quite. When it was hosted by Bob Barker it was known as Damned if You Do, Almost Damned if You Don’t but Not Quite.

Channel 25:  House Hunters International - Still reeling from the incident involving his racist remarks, Dog The Bounty Hunter is now known as Dog The Bargain Hunter.  The show involves him taking two couples to Hawaii to find their ultimate dream vacation home.  The couples get off the plane, and go to their hotels.  Dog and his family follow them, taze them when they get out of their cabs, twisty tie their hands, and then take them to the properties THEY think are the best deals.

Channel 38:  Dr. Denese Skin Care - A show hawking a doctor’s knee-related skin care products in an effort to make the majority of American’s knees softer, smoother, and more supple.  After all, the knee skin is the most neglected of all body part skin.

Channel 45:  Golden Girls - A porno flick about chicks who dig golden showers – that one was a little obvious.

Channel 51:  Electronic connection - A show about the thing that powers the thing that keeps your wife happy when you’re gone, or passed out.

Channel 66:  To Wong Foo - A documentary about waitresses at Chinese restaurants continually being unable to understand engrish.  This causes them to get orders wong, and customers having to send the wong foo back so the cooks can make it white.

Channel 72:  Cimarron - A show about making a sweetly spiced toast, while speaking in a Latin American dialect that makes it, how do you say?  Ahhh yes, sexy.  It is the sweet grainy spice of seduction that will make you tingle, especially if your lover isn’t careful as to which orifices and organs get exposed to it.

“Stole Beer from a Golfer”:

“Robbed a Stoner Blind”:

“Our ‘Cops‘ is On”:

The Discovery Channel’s Mike Rowe was a keynote speaker at the 2008 EG (Entertainment Gathering) Convention in Silicon Valley, California.  The host of Dirty Jobs discusses life lessons he’s taken from the show, and touches on topics surrounding the state of the American labor force, common misconceptions concerning skilled laborers, and the fine art of lamb castration:

A friend recently emailed me an article from The Hollywood Reporter‘s website about two new sitcoms that the FX Network has picked up.  Normally this wouldn’t get much of a rise out of me, but FX airs one of my favorite new sitcoms – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – and both of these announcements feature comedic names that always bring a smile to my face.  According to the article, one of the new shows is League, which “explores marriage, male friendship, parenting, suburbia, and growing up through the prism of a fantasy-football league.”  The show’s cast includes comedians Nick Kroll (from Rick Dicks), Paul Scheer, and Canadian funnyman Jon Lajoie – who you may remember from videos like “Everyday Normal Guy” and “Show Me Your Genitals”.  A story that revolves around a fantasy football league and it has Jon Lajoie in it, what more could you ask for?  The second show stars possibly the funniest man on the planet right now, Louis C.K.  The self-titled Louie debuts early next year and follows “the comedian as a successful stand-up who is a newly single father in New York, raising two daughters and dating.”  I admit the idea doesn’t sound all that original, but I have no doubt that Louis CK will provide his own unique slant and tons of laughs – it also sounds kind of like his previous sitcom, Lucky Louie, which was a great show that never caught on for some reason.  Hopefully these shows will meet my high expectations and garner enough of an audience to keep them running for at least a few seasons – and just a little FYI, season three of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia premieres on FX September 17th at 10 pm et.  If you haven’t seen it, here’s a tiny taste of the insanity you’ve been missing: