Like an oil conglomerate’s head honcho finishing last in a yacht race, I’ve bitched and moaned about the “one infrared beam” fits-all remote I apparently wanted and received for the most insightful of all hippie’s DOB.  Whether you recall or recan’t, I laminated the fact I was given a piece of technology in the spirit of facilitation, but was ultimately subjected to it thwarting my television viewing enjoyment.  Combining stuff into one centralized thing seems good – like squishing two huge boobs into one, in order to insure maximum playability – but it don’t always work out that way.  This remote is like the Tranny of remote technology.  It has all the parts.  It looks ordinary at first, but then becomes scary due to its ability to “all-in-one” it up.  Every time I try to change the fucking channel, the microwave starts popping a sack of Orville’s finest and the refrigerator takes a leak.  Technology.  Is there anything it can’t make harder?

To further frustrate the few moments of non-work related activity I have had as of current – fyi, don’t ever fucking schedule a trial near your son’s birthday, which is right before a social worker is going to scope out your home for the potential purchasing of childrens – the sound bar I also did not know I wanted but received during the same seasonal customary exchange of baubles blew its equivalent of a nut string during a power outage three days past.  The local media and people unable to face the fact they need to lay off the book referred to it as a “Brownout”.  I don’t particularly dig this term, because it sounds like a term for the results of an unsuccessful colonoscopy.  Of concourse, it could also mean the dude with the beagle just fell narcolepsied out.  When the juice came back on, it overpowered my speaker bar.  Fried it.  I used all the technologically ignorant tricks I knew to repair it – unplugging, off and oning, cussing and beating – and it went nowhere.  When I came to grips with the fact that the sound bar would be closed, until someone from Best Buy’s nerdery was able to poindexter on over, I attempted what I thought was a rational move.  Hold your toke hear people.  Add that orchestra jingle that signifies groundbreaking movements.  I manually manipulated the volume button!  A blue box popped up, and said such a move was “not available”.  Basically, my TV blue box blocked my attempt to hear what my eyes were telling me.

So, I’ve been sitting here for two days changing channels, and going through the television garden with no sound whatsoever.  I’ve discovered that movies I thought were stupid with sound are even more fucking stupid without it.  Now, that may be because I’m goddamn dumb enough to watch TV without sound or, at the very least, subtitles.  Whichever leaves more pegs on the Cracker Barrel triangle, I am going to surmise what may or may not be on the following channels that I’m currently banned from audibly enjoying:

431 WSIL, Jimmy Kimmel Live – Even more unfunny when you can’t hear it.

424 DSCHD, Deadliest Catch - Documentary on piranha noodlers.

420 USAHD, Royal Pains – A look at the most strategically timed farts in the history the British Monarchy.

411 PLDHD, SoulStage – Live streaming video from the Don Cornelius Theatre Company.  Tonight’s presentation, An Afro and a Nubian.

407 TNTHD, CSI:NY – W.T.F.?

419 STZHD, 40 Days and 40 Nights – A movie about the drinking habits of the people who live in Compton.

416 HBOHD, GasLand -  Beano’s attempt at using propaganda to further its anti-flatulence agenda a la Reefer Madness.

417 MAXHD, Heaven’s Prisoners -  A show filmed entirely with a hidden camera during Midnight Mass at a local Mary Mart.

177 TVGN, The Object of My Affection – Formerly known as Masturbators Weekly.  This week’s episode discusses the pros and cons of wrist braces, and the best methods for shaving your palms with limited vision.

233 WPSDR, Paid Programming – Stories about people who lost their lives trying to set up a universal remote.

147 GAC,  Drafting Partners – An expose of how Mormons pick their 4^th through 10 wives.  Gertie Mehelgahay was this year’s No. 1 Polygamy Pick.

132 NICK2, George Lopez -  Hispanic this.  Unfunny Hispanic that.  Yeah we fucking get it, you’re Mexican.  Those indiscriminating chuckle fucks Bob & Tom are partly to blame for this unfunnychanga’s rise to fame.

152 ENCA, Safari 3000 -  Two nerdy robots riding in the back of a sport utility vehicle through the planes of Africa, bantering about in a language that only basement dwellers and Comic-Con regulars understand.

432 WPSDD, Last Call with Carson Daly – Much like this guy’s fame, reasons for success and apparent appeal to anyone who is not a 13 year-old girl, I haven’t a fucking clue.  I don’t think Ryan Seacrest gets it either.

47 Syfy, Highlander – A sitcom based on the hilarity that ensues after the purchase of one of those Weird U. V.’s made by Toyota.

99 VH1, You’re Cut Off! – A look at bits, and more specifically piece(s), of the life and times of John Wayne Bobbit.

243 EWTN, Life on the Rock – An examination of a particularly scorching case of herpes that almost caused Dwayne Johnson to pull out of the championship title bout at WrestleMania 82.  Or, the biography of Tyrone Biggums.

It’s time once again to channel surf the Comcast Digital wave, and carve the barrel of my gnarly associative powers:

Channel 305, HBOFE:  Robin Hood – A touching story about a young black male from the mean streets of Compton who aspires to be a famous ballet dancer (from the creators of Step Up I & II, You Got Served, Stomp the Yard, Bring It On, Bring It On Again, Bring It On: All or Nothing, Bring It On: In It to Win It, Bring It On: Fight to the Finish...how many of these fuckin movies are there?!?)

Channel 306, HBOCM:  Boomerang – A documentary formerly titled “What Goes Around Comes Around”, which talks about the use of STD’s to stop promiscuity amongst teens in wealthy neighborhoods.

Channel 311, HOBZN:  Wisegirls – A porno about librarians.

Channel 328, Max (the hip new name for Cinemax):  Cast Away – A documentary short film on socks that are used as masturbatory receptacles by teenage boys.

Channel 342, SHOCe:  Flashbacks of a Fool – The charming, yet alarming tale that follows the life of a retard after years of LSD abuse.

Channel 346, SHOBe:  Death by Engagement – an exposé on the suicide rate amongst engaged males with married friends.

Channel 350, TMCe:  Tyler Perry’s The Family That… – Something stupid and covertly racist about some family shit.  It’s by that fucking guy who seems to be really famous all of a sudden, but no one understands why.

Channel 243, EWTN:  Life on the Rock – A news magazine show that gives viewers a sneak peek into the most hip, and hottest urban places to smoke crack.

Channel 189, Gospel Music Channel:  Amen – A pornographic film about gay Eyetalian men who all talk like the Fonz.

Channel 167, INDIE:  The Handmaid’s Tale – A tragic story about a woman who gave the best hand jobs in the Northeast, but eventually lost all use of her right arm due to a nasty case of ejaculator’s elbow.

Channel 141, MTV3:  TXTO URB – Who the fuck knows? This might be a show hosted by Devo, an infomercial with a British host about some shit that cleans everything, or some kind of genetically engineered plant used to spice foods that you can also smoke.  One thing I do know, if it’s on MTV, it has nothing to do with music.

Channel 132, NICK2:  George Lopez – A wuss sitcom based on the unhilarious stylings of a guy who has only gotten by because he continuously played the South of The Border card.  What self-respecting comedian has a fucking show on any version of Nickelodeon anyway?  They slime everybody, and Gallagher didn’t even fall prey to that shit.

Channel 131, Nick Jr.:  Ni Hao, Kai-Lan – A channel devoted to the study of seizure medications and treatments, through the use of annoying Japanese anime cartoons with excessive strobe lights.

Channel 110, DSCIE:  Big, Bigger, Biggest – A show about a penisologist, and her attempts to both encounter and preserve live specimens in their natural habitat.

Channel 119, Lifetime Movie Network:  Lies He Told – A short biography that revolves around some chick who reminisces about a recent trip to her local night club – she also references the work being done by the doctor on Big, Bigger, Biggest…

You should know the drill by now, and if you don’t, as a young Snoop Dogg once said: “Ya betta ask somebody“:

Channel 2: Public Access Programming - Something a GPS unit could do for you without having to watch it on cable. 

Channel 17: Time Team America - A group of Americans who have to build a clock before a group of Swiss citizens.  The victor gets…well, nothing but a really-fastly built watch.

Channel 29: Diamonique Jewelry - A show about a girl in the projects, and all of the accessories she wears.

Channel 43: BET Awards – A show about multi-racial, ethnic and cultural gamblers receiving recognition for their various exploits during the previous year. 

Channel 51: Her Perfect Spouse - This show is just a goddamn lie, because we all know “Hers” don’t believe that such a thing exists.

Channel 64: Fanarchy - A show about the dangers of buying a “smart” ceiling fan and how they could take over the planet - a la the cyborgs from Terminator - one bad hair cut and head injury at a time.

Channel 74: Mermaids - A show about men who clean houses for a living.

Channel 88: Futurama - A show about flea markets, a/k/a dirt malls, in the future.

Channel 99: Prenup Challenge - A show about rich guys trying to see who can get their lawyer to draw up a document screwing their 6th or greater wife out of any inheritance, and keeping her on a tight budget in exchange for plastic surgery.

I’ve got more, but this thing goes up to 800-something and I’m about an hour and a half past rackthirty…

I did the Wii Active tonight for the first time in a while to try and get back on the stick - in terms of losing that menacing 4 pounds, and getting under 200lbs again.  Let me be the first to tell you, that is the proverbial mofo.  I just don’t feel right playing a video game to exercise anyway; it makes you feel like you just put a quarter in Galaga Pump, Donkey Kongsize, or Pongaerobics.  After I was defeated by my virtual workout, it was time to lounge on the couch, watch some tube, and play every couch potato’s favorite game – Channel Association: 

Channel 5:  Fandango – A reality show where fans of Dancing With The Stars dance the Tango with themselves for cash, prizes, and the opportunity to be made fun of by millions of viewers at home.

Channel 9:  Bye, Bye, Love – An in-depth look at how an acquired stutter caused the break up of The Everly Brothers Band.  The viewer will walk away with the knowledge that a speech impediment can cost you lots of money, and even family.  Whereas the family p-p-part is e-e-easy to get-t-t ov-v-ver, b-b-but losin’ money don’t g-g-get easy for anybo-bo-body.

Channel 17:  Catch 21 - A game show where the contestants are given two options on how to win money, and one almost puts them in just as bad a situation as the other - but not quite. When it was hosted by Bob Barker it was known as Damned if You Do, Almost Damned if You Don’t but Not Quite.

Channel 25:  House Hunters International - Still reeling from the incident involving his racist remarks, Dog The Bounty Hunter is now known as Dog The Bargain Hunter.  The show involves him taking two couples to Hawaii to find their ultimate dream vacation home.  The couples get off the plane, and go to their hotels.  Dog and his family follow them, taze them when they get out of their cabs, twisty tie their hands, and then take them to the properties THEY think are the best deals.

Channel 38:  Dr. Denese Skin Care - A show hawking a doctor’s knee-related skin care products in an effort to make the majority of American’s knees softer, smoother, and more supple.  After all, the knee skin is the most neglected of all body part skin.

Channel 45:  Golden Girls - A porno flick about chicks who dig golden showers – that one was a little obvious.

Channel 51:  Electronic connection - A show about the thing that powers the thing that keeps your wife happy when you’re gone, or passed out.

Channel 66:  To Wong Foo - A documentary about waitresses at Chinese restaurants continually being unable to understand engrish.  This causes them to get orders wong, and customers having to send the wong foo back so the cooks can make it white.

Channel 72:  Cimarron - A show about making a sweetly spiced toast, while speaking in a Latin American dialect that makes it, how do you say?  Ahhh yes, sexy.  It is the sweet grainy spice of seduction that will make you tingle, especially if your lover isn’t careful as to which orifices and organs get exposed to it.

“Robbed a Stoner Blind”:

“Our ‘Cops‘ is On”:

I was flipping through the channels as I was trying to decide whether to continue preparing for the trial I have on Friday, or just screw off like the top to a 1.5 liter bottle of the classiest wine Riunite has to offer - even after the increase in smoke and swill taxes, Riunite is still more affordable than paying attention.  The only real problem with buying Riunite is having to look the clerk in the eyes when you’re checking out.  Whatever that purple flavor they have isn’t all that bad – my mother guzzles it whenever she is in the general vicinity.  It’s refreshingly sweet, with a hint of carbonation; but it is subtle and less puke-inducing than Mad Dog 20/20 - which contrary to popular belief, does not help your eyesight.

Getting back to what I intended to theorize on, while flipping through my choices, I noticed something called Mother, Jugs, and Speed was coming on Channel 168.  Surprisingly, the name of Channel 168 – which upon second glance does not appear to be affiliated with any numerically named sexual position – is RETRO and not something like LUVSAC, STAFF, or HOLE.  Mother, Jugs, and Speed sounds like a movie about busty MILF’s who either have a meth problem, or drive NASCAR.  It’s hard to keep scrolling through your choices when you see a title like this on a non-credit card requiring channel.  It sounds like a movie that you’d be concerned about both stopping on, and hitting the info button when your significant other is in the room – that is, unless of course she has $14.99 plus tax left on the credit limit of her MasterCard.  As for what the movie is actually about, I hit the info button and was told that none other than Heathcliff Huxtable was in this story “about an unlikely trio of paramedics employed by a private ambulance service.”  They should have called it Mother, Jell-O Pudding, and Speed if the voice of Fat Albert was going to be in it.  Hey, hey, here is something that would be fun to watch: Fat Albert in an adult movie.  There would be more bouncin’ than a trampoline expo – you think Mushmouth would take off his hat when it got down to the nitty gritty?

Soul Player was on Channel 144 VHISO.  I am guessing this is a show about a ghost-like entity who has a strong pimp hand.  I find this an odd show to be on a channel which appears to be named after either a saline solution, a black market cellular service provider, or that less filling soup you get at most sushi joints.

Something called Pucca comes on channel 135 DISXD.  To be honest, I have no idea what or who a Pucca is – unless the show is about one of those sweet necklaces I used to wear back in the day.  I’ve only got 30 minutes to figure it out, however, because Yin Yang Yo! comes on next.  I find it hard to believe that something on an alleged youth network would be named after the way a honky pretends to rap in Chinese, but it appears as though it has occurred.  And if I don’t want to watch Pucca, I could change the channel to 131 NOG and watch Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!  Honestly, I think the name of this show sounds like what a Teletubby would say before having an orgasm, but this is apparently a children’s channel as well.  On a side note, I think there was a fetish film shot in Miami entitled Sham Wow! Wow! You Bit Me!  I think it will be interesting to see once it comes out; can a Sham Wow soak up all the blood, and make teeth marks disappear after you’ve been bitten by an apparently rabid hooker? 

Well, I’m going to have to let you go because I don’t know how to work my MVR, CVS, ATV or whatever the hell the recording feature on this contraption is called - plus, I want to be able to divert my full attention to Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!

The kid version of a soapcom is on Nick Jr. or whatever this channel is that I seem to be watching – both because my son is viewing it, and the remote doesn’t work.  The ultimate level of laziness are the steps you’ll take to resuscitate a remote or defibrillate its batteries before you have to get up off your ass and got get new ones.  For God’s sake, you should do everything you can to avoid having to get up and change the batteries!  Instead, you find yourself tying shit to shoelaces and trying to Ferris Bueller the channel buttons.  You just happened to have a roll of dental floss handy, and it’s turned into a deleted scene from a River Runs Through Whoever.  Then you begin pulling the change out from under the cushions, and trying to pay off the person within 5 feet of you to get off their ass and change the channels for you.  However, the cash bartering system inevitably fails, and suddenly you’re trying to convince the younger, more active person in the room – someone within smelling distance of your overpowering stench of lethargy – to change the channel for a half a Cheeto, a couple of M & M’s, and some random action figure.  None of it works.  You eventually have to get off your ass, get new batteries, switch them around and – by the time you’re able to enjoy various theatrical locales across the pay T.V. spectrum – that Meredith Baxter-Birney Lifetime movie where SHE rapes somebody is over.

Why is everyone on Law & Order (any of them) either angry or over-the-top sarcastic?  Can’t a goddamn murder be investigated without some cheesy shit like this: Person 1: “I arrested 7 illegal immigrants when I pulled over that Baskin & Robbins truck.  Person 2: “Those guys just don’t understand, only so many clowns can fit into the car.”  Then they’ll cut to the lawyer/ courtroom scenes, and everyone is yelling and screaming at one another in their surprisingly dark offices.  It’s like they use freakin’ 5 watt bulbs or something – Vampires tan with this strength of bulb.  They continue to argue and yell at each other in between sarcastic comments - and comebacks - before someone is convicted, two of them have sex, or they realize the defendant they just had sent to prison is innocent.  There is a definite order to the type of law they are portraying, I’m just not sure what it is.

So, David Letterman has been making his own Top 10 List of Underlings He’d Like to Monologue.  Golly g-fornication Batman!  I’m shocked and appalled to learn a galactically rich person is having more relations with his staff than an incestuous agoraphobe.  Who cares?  I understand why it is news.  He’s a famous guy and all, and everything, so the truth must be told.  I personally dig the fact that he came out and joked about it.  I would have said something like: “Did you hear I was getting extorted by one of my producers.  Yeah, stay with me folks; one of the guys that produces the show threatened me, and said that he was going to the media to tell tell them I had used my stupid human prick to pole them for 10 Top Lists.  For instance, I Larry Bud Melman’d Jeanie the Green Room Gal by asking her to name the 10 Ten Inches as To Why She Should Keep Her Job.”  Now that is how you deal with a problem.

I came up with two TV game shows that I think have a lot of promise yesterday, and would like to pitch one to you today.  The first show idea would be titled Crotch Kicks for Cash (Not to be confused with Kicked in the Nuts).  Everyone loves a well placed shot to the cods, when it is on film and not their jubliees being jubileed.  The hidden camera views aren’t bad because you’re nervous and anxious, both trying to spot the unsuspecting crotch and the angle from which the offending object will come.  Then out of nowhwere, it happens, and you get a good chuckle whether you saw it coming or not.  If you put the footage in slow motion, you will be able to see priceless facial gestures and the too-late-to-stop-it futile reaction of the crotch shotee.  If the record reversing, slow motion voice feature can be added to the “Oh No!” with loud crashing sounds effects once the crotch is assaulted, yuks will be had by many.

While that is all and good, Crotch Kicks for Cash will be the real hit of next season’s degradation TV schedule for one main reason – contestants will be made aware of the gonard crunching well before the first ball is busted.  Oh yeah, there will be no secrecy to this game.  The contestants will agree to take shots to the crotch for increasing amounts of money.  Let’s say for like $2500, you have to take a kick to the crotch from either a three year-old, the prosthetic leg of a French mine victim, or a Polio sufferer.  The next level would be $5000, and you would get your pistachios pinched by either a high school level kicker/punter, a Jackie Chan impersonator, or Emmanuel Lewis.  Reaching the $10K level would bring in the heavy footers.  You’re spreadin’ your legs, closin’ your eyes and waiting for the below the belt lead foot from the likes of Morten Andersen, a semi-retired Pele, the real Jackie Chan, or an angry Elaine Chow - Margaret Cho could be substituted for Elaine Chow if she’s too high falutin, being a former Labor Secretary and all. 

Bustin’ Biscuits (my second choice for a title) could make a ton of dough, based on the number of people who want to quit taking symbolic crotch kicks; why not put your Mary Kate and Ashley’s out on the line for some money, instead of a feeling of innate wussness?  I realize the sacktasticness of the Nielsen Ratings could come down to the level of stardom of the crotch kickers, and/or the dollar amounts involved.  So to spice things up, maybe there could be celebrity versions for charity – like Dr. Ruth kicking Shaq in the bags to help sack-out urinary tract infections.  Your promotional advertising flyers could be “scratch and shift” stickers.  The MLB would surely contribute some coporate sponsorship too. Cup manufacturers would definitely pay to have some kind of “Don’t try this at home, unless you’re wearing a Nuclear Nads protective device.”  I can hear their slogan running during commercial breaks now, “When you’re worried about your nads exploding, go Nuclear!”

VH1′s Celeb Rehab follows some of the most semi-famous celebrities in the U.S. on their veiled quest to become clean and sober.  Whoever thought that up must have been kicked out of the Betty Ford Clinic by Renee Richards for being hung over, having glassy, bloodshot eyes, and trying to blame it on pink eye.  Oh yeah people, that may be the most obscure and thinly connected reference/Slingo (Slingo is the term a friend used to describe the strange language I speak) theology this side of: “You can’t get blood from a turnip, but if you squeeze a Twinkie, you’ll get cream.”  You may have to google that one people, the Renee Richards part I mean, not the Twinkie reference.  I don’t think that particular Slingo truism has ever been dispensed via world wide webular style.  It’s kind of like throwing a syrup-drenched pancake into a crowd with something written on one side, the message is going to stick to somebody.

Returning to the maximus I was getting at, how in the crikey hell did anyone think any H whatever N whatever strain of celebrity would be able to get off any kind of sauce in front of cameras?  Not to mention this journey is at the direction of a doctor who rose to fame by talking about genitalia and why teenage boys have so many sticky socks under their beds.  I think the show was called Loveline.  Adam Carolla (who is alleged to be a comedian) was like a wannabe funny guy playing the straight man to the stiff physician’s hilarious descriptions of body parts, use of these body parts in tandem with body parts of the opposite sex, and the scientific explanation behind farts.  Basically Dr. Drew is the Ben Stein of the medical profession.  Priapism? Priapism? Priapism?

Who tries to kick any habit while being filmed?  Lets say you’re trying to kick the habit of being sexless while there’s cameras around; if the surrounding decor consists of shag carpet, dark brown triangular shapes, you’ve suddenly developed chest hair, a thin mustache has appeared without conscious effort, and a chic got nude after asking if you were the pizza delivery guy, then you’ve got yourself an intervention.  Otherwise, you’re not gonna be able to deal with the added pressure of everyone else seeing how much of a pansy you become if you don’t get the right kind of toilet paper, or if the peas you’re eating aren’t Lesueur.  You don’t want to have to worry about being seen as a freak when you start licking basketballs, because their texture reminds you of Nestle Crunch bars.  Who wants asparagus to be cast in their direction when they start chopping up Splenda to snort?  All of these events are perfectly legit when getting over some form of addiction.  My theory is, if it takes hooking jumper cables up to your testes and taking shots of holy water to get you off some kind of bad stuff, all you need to do is call in a favor from Pastor Bore and then head to Autozone.

Well, the head lunch lady has just informed me this mystery meat of thoughts has just run out of meat substitute, so until next time…