In the town of Spacefaceville, you can spread your thoughts via a chain letter-like conglomeration of “friends.”  There is no limit or restraint on the number, or type of people whose space you can invade with your face.  Before you can start hoarding faces, you have to either successfully request a virtual friendship, or accept a request to have your space invaded by another face.  Once your request is accepted, or Miami vice versa, your space for faces will start to fill up quicker than a frat boy pouring hooch into a cooler (or so I have been told).  A large percentage of the faces you will add to your space are people you’ve known for a long time.  You’ve got your high school classmate face, college classmate face, co-worker face, family face, and the ever popular long lost friend face.  Those are all good forms of faces to keep in your space.  For me, it’s the anonymous/unknown faces requesting to RAM into my space that are the strangest.

On the average, I get about three requests a week for space from faces I’ve never met in high or low places.  I have less of an idea who these faces are, and how they know my face, than a drunkard knows where the vomit stain on his pant leg came from.  When it comes to accepting or denying a face’s request for space, I always have a hard time saying no.  My theory is, expose as many spaces and faces to my nuttiness as spaces will allow.  I’m taking over cyberspace one face at a time.  Before you know it, all websites will have more metaphors than something they can be compared to.  Run-on sentences will become the Norm, as opposed to the Cliff, because it will be easier to express one’s face out in space without observing the laws of “grammar” and “punctuation.”  The one drawback is that it may become tough to determine where one thought begins, and when your patience with the sentence ends.

One of the most interesting things about accepting unknown faces from space is the post-acceptance attempt to figure out who in the hell this person is.  This is usually accomplished by staring at their face whenever you’re in your space.  It’s kinda like staring at a face in an effort to determine if that porn stache-havin’, raincoat-wearin’, coke bottle glasses-havin’ weirdo across the street who drives the van with tinted windows is the same face you saw on the Most Wanted poster at the Post Office.  As a sidecar, I’ve always wondered why wanted posters are hung up all over Post Offices?  Do people on the run regularly check their PO Box?  Do fugitives have responses to fan mail they’ve just got to get out before crossing another state’s line?  I’d think it would be more productive to put fugitives’ pictures in porn shops, bowling alleys, truck stops, trailer parks, and Chuck E. Cheese.  You could also probably catch a whole mess of ‘em if you ran the fingerprints of all carnival and county fair migrants who come to town.  You could also finally be able to tell the difference between a midget and a dwarf based on this analysis.  That is, of course, as long as the corn dog residue build-up doesn’t skew the results.  You’d be amazed at the build-up of corn dog grease that will collect under the fingernails of someone who is a true believer in the “Guess Your Weight” lifestyle.

I tell you this, I wished I had known about all these single faces that sometimes show up on the right side of my space in my pre-married years.  I seriously doubt any of them would have ever allowed me to put my face into their space, but you can always dream.  You catch that?  I nude you wood.  Whoever came up with the idea of trading faces to all kinds of different spaces is the Larry Flynt of cyber socializing.  Like Larry, someone took a lot of faces and showed their spaces.  There it was again.  I’m the Kevin Nealon of subliminal sexual innuendo.  If you don’t get it, there is no need to jump out the window.  Anyway, I guess my face enjoys sharing space with other faces, because I seem to devote a lot of time to my space.  Once you get started, collecting faces for your space is more addictive than masturbating.  Seriously, who has only done it once?

Social networking sites are all the rage these days, because it makes people feel like they are a part of something.  The funny part is that a majority of Americans are so self-absorbed, they really don’t want to be a part of anything; then sites like MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter were created, so now we can pretend to give a shit about other people with minimal effort.  When you get right down to it though, these site’s popularity is a result of narcissism and a desire for shameless, pointless self-promotion.  Here’s my take on the big three, and some reasons why they suck.   

MySpace was the first trendy networking site to launch, but its popularity has diminished significantly over the past couple of years – unless you’re a roving pederass.  I created an account but only logged on twice, because putting a profile together seemed like way too much work.  I don’t know much about the inner workings of MySpace as a result, but I think Stewie sums up its general purpose in this short clip from an episode of Family Guy . 

Facebook will get somewhat of a free pass in this discussion, because I use it quite a bit.  This site helped me get in touch with old friends, and aquaintances who I thought for sure would be dead or in jail by now – which makes for a nice, ecclectic mix.  However, a guy named Julian Smith did come up with a video titled ”25 Things I Hate About Facebook”; he is annoying in a way that I can’t put my finger on, but it’s hard not to agree with him on pretty much all of these:

The worst by far is the newest sensation Twitter, which is based completely on one simple question, “What are you doing?”  I was originally going to write a long-winded diatribe on how it’s a boil on the butt of our society, noboby cares what you’re doing, and so on; but then I found two videos that summed up my feelings on this Twitter fad perfectly.  So why waste time going on & on about something, when there are funnier, more creative people who can do it for you?  These videos are courtesy of Super News, an animated sketch comedy show on Current TV.  I had never heard of this program or channel before, but it definitely looks like something worth checking out: